Maps
by rddrgn
Summary: Lorinne Damsel is a young sassy sweet-heart with a troubling sickness that doctors can't seem to figure out, but that's not her only problem. The love of her life just happens to be Dean Winchester, a man that hunts the supernatural with his family and is terribly overprotective. With little to no contact with her love, how is a girl to survive? Be warned, the plot thickens.
1. Chapter 1

_"...Hey, just talked to Sam. He says he's gonna help me find dad. Until Monday, he says he's got something important. What ever and I know, I know what you're thinking. 'It's a start' but..he's so different now. I can bet it's that new girl of his. Her name is Jess. You'd like her she's beautiful and funny an-am I making you jealous yet? Just kidding. She's not you. But anyway she's good for him. She keeps him in check but still..He can't keep livin' like this it's a fantasy. He has to wake up from this dream-he's not gonna last here. Stanford University? How he ended up being so smart is beyond me...Anyway, we're heading to Jericho, California. Thats the last place I remember Dad saying he was going. And you know what, I think this is a good start...I think me and Sammy will make a good team. But still, wish us luck. We're gonna need it...I miss you..."_

_"Hey Lor, turns out he was hunting a Woman in White. Something's wrong though...He didn't finish the job and he never leaves a hunt unfinished. I don't want to tell Sam but I'm worried about him...This ain'tlike him...But hey, this ain't all bad. Working with Sam isn't horrible. He's a pain in the ass but..he's pretty smart, I'll give him that...Who the hell he got that from is beyond me. I know for a fact he didn't get that from me or Dad...Lori, don't get mad but...I haven't told him about you yet. You're my own little secret and I don't think I'm ready to let him know everything...not yet."_

_"Something very bad happend to Dad. He left his journal. I found it at the police station, don't ask me why I was in a police station. Okay, I was arrested but don't worry...I escaped. All jokes aside I'm really worried now...I don't know what to do about...Dad or Sam. Sam's already tryin' to leave and he's just pissing me off. It's not fa- It's not fair he can go back to his perfect College life and leave me stuck here with this mess...It's not fair he can go back to Jess and I-...I miss you..."_

_"Jess is dead...She died the same way our..the same way Mom died..The same way your mom died. On the roof...the fire...I tried to save her..I dropped Sam off and I was gonna drive away but then..I got this feeling and you told me to always trust my feelingsand my watch stopped and I turned around but when I got there it was too late..I only had time to pull Sammy out before the fire got to everything...Shit..He's broken, he's changed, he's different..He's out for revenge, he's out for blood, he's just like Dad now...I don't know if I can take two of them now. But Lori...Damn it...leave me a message...I-...I just want to make sure I'm not talking to a damn cell phone alright? Call me right back."_

His voice.

It was the first time I had ever heard him use that voice in a message and it brought tears to my eyes I bad to blink away. I could never let tears fall, if they did they would never stop. I placed the phone and pen down on the bed I sat on as I closed up the journal. I had every word of his messages written down, my new activity to keep my sane, so I no longer needed the distraction. I had a new task at hand. I reached over into the drawer at my bed side and plucked out the cell phone with the red tape. The red tape distinguished this one from the others Dean bought me because it was just for emergencies-while the blue tape was for the messages I would leave once a month and the green tape was for his messages-this was the phone I used when urgent matters were at hand, like now.

I flipped the phone open and dialed the number, hardly looking at the key pad as I did. Dean's number had already become ingrained in my fingertips from all the ghost dialings I had done. Most nights I never pressed 'call' but some nights, those nights I dared to dream, I just needed to hear one ring to know the line was still connected. I just needed to know he was still there and only a phone call away.

This time though I had no fear of pressing the little green button. With urgency I held down the 'call' button as I held the phone to my ear, standing from my bed and pacing with nervousness. I had been so excited by my task that I forgot what I would say...what am I going to say? To calm myself I checked, yet again, the salt lines at the windows and at my door and around my bed, things that weren't necessaty but I could never disobey Dean even from far away.

_"Leave a message."_

Dean.

My knees went weak and I had to plop down onto my bed again, a usual reaction my body has to his voice. But I had to recover quickly. If he knew what his voice would do to me he'd never let me live it down. Just like when I told him I don't want him talking to other girls because I get jealous, he still won't forget it!

But I had no time to think about that.

The beap came and indicated I could leave a message but what would my message be? I began the only way I knew how, "Hey," crap, my voice was shot to shit from not being used so I cleared my throat and began again, "Hey Dean...," saying his name made the dragons in my stomach take flight but I ignored them. "I'm here, listening to every word. I'm sorry you didn't find John but don't worry, he always lands on his feet. I bet Sam's the same way but...Poor Sam..Be nice to him, okay? Be extra nice to him. This isn't something you can get over fast, okay, so don't expect him to. You Winchesters know how to hold a grudge. That being said I still can't wait to meet him. And I miss you too Dean a lot. I don't think I need to tell you to be careful...oh..and by the way. I don't get jealous anymore."

I hang up the phone and without Dean listening I'm allowed to be weak again and I whisper the words I want to, "I love you."

It seems ridiculous, the fact that we could say 'I miss you' a million times and have it mean a million things. But our relationship is different...it's hard. If we say 'I love you' it means 'I can't live without you' and at that point Dean would have to save me from the bricked tower he and John cooped me up in and Dean's not ready for that. Not ready to 'put me in danger.' As I put the phone down and looked over the journal I feel anger burn me, I never had a choice. But I can't think about these things. I opened the journal to a fresh page and at the top wrote the time and date and word for word what I had just said. I do this because if I read everything a certain way...I could imagin it's a real conversation...and not just lonely messages on a telephone line...

But it's too late to think about all these things. There's a special time around eleven when the thoughts come out to play and it's impossible to get them back in their place. To help get the bat them back I tucked the journal away, in it's secret spot, and did my rounds to make sure windows and doors were locked, security codes were put in, salt lines were untouched, and 911 was on speed dial. These were rituals, habits, that I could never break. And when everything was okay, like I knew it would be, I tucked myself into bed and rolled over on my stomach so I could look at Dean's empty side.

I closed my eyes and whispered,"Good Night, Dean."

Another lonely ritual just for me.

But this night was different. This night, when I drifted off to sleep it wasn't lonely blackness. This night I dreamed of him finally answering me,"Good Night, Lori."


	2. Chapter 2

_**One step after another the Swat stormed into the house like tiny little rats sneaking into a kitchen after Thanksgiving dinner. The house was large and the stairs were winding and so were the actions that were mechanical as they searched every room until they came across one with a woman tied down, beaten, and bleeding. They reached another room and starring at the open window...was Dean.**_

I snapped out of bed hearing the screams of a monster, waking instantly from the shrill of the voice. I felt my mouth open and I covered my mouth only to find out the screams were coming from me. I grabbed Dean's pillow and took in deep breaths to calm down but it seemed like I would never. Six. I counted them out loud, "One, two, three, four, five, six."

Slowly my tense limbs began to loosen and I dropped it down to hold it against me. That dream was frightening, terrifying, something I had never had before. Sure...for the past week Dean hasn't called me and the dreams have been filling up but not that bad. That had been the worst. I had to talk to Dean. I grabbed my phone to look it over and saw something amazing. Dean had left me a message. Did he have a bad dream too?

_"Sorry I haven't been calling. I've been listening to your message the whole time though. And don't be a liar...you always get jealous. But...I'm sorry...Sammy's been on the rampage. He ain't been sleeping, eating, nothing. It's like he can't stop. We searched around for a week and haven't found anything..Sammy's...pissed we had to go but Dad left us some coordinates in his journal. Sam's still woking on where they lead but I'm just happy to get away from all the...madness. But...I don't think you'll be meeting him soon. Not when he's like this...And I'll treat him any way I very well damn please! But thank yo... for your message. It's almost the end of the month, have you checked up with Dr. Walcott?...I miss you...still..."_

Oh Dean...I took in a deep breath to calm myself again. It was just a dream...Dean was okay, he was fine...It was just a bad dream and nothing else...Just a bad dream.

As I repeated that mantra I took out my journal and wrote down the time he called and the date. I noticed he called only twenty minutes ago. If I had stayed up just an hour before I fell asleep..maybe I could have caught him and talked to him and I could tell him how much I really hated this silent week. Maybe I could tell him...I don't know.

I stood from the bed once my fingers finished the message and looked out the window. It was only 5:30 am. He was probably starting early on something where ever he may be. Or possibly he couldn't sleep, like Sam. He sounded so tired in the message, exhausted, but I couldn't tell what did it. Was it me...or was it that job of his. With my eyes casted out the window I couldn't help but to smile briefly as I came to the decision, it was probably both.

My eyes glance at the windowsill to see the unbroken salt line. There was no chance I was going back to sleep now. I sighed as I recalled Dean's comment about Dr. Walcott, I hate visiting him when it's about my medical well-being, but my appointment wasn't until 9. The only think I could think of was to take a long hot shower. Even the idea gave me some joy. I walked to the shower and stepped into it, turning it on and instantly felt the nightmares dissolve and get replaced by memories.

It started on my front porch and ended in the same place.

I had been sitting on the front porch, rocking on the swing bench I had grown to love. I remember it was cold outside, freezing, but I didn't really care. The house inside was in a similar condition after the fight. My aunt had been pressuring me to try an experimental drug that would make my hair fall out but it had just grown back to its full length...I was not ready to lose it again.

The wind had picked up and made our old house creek. My uncle was already on his third bud light and my aunt on her second martini so I knew they didn't miss me. They were giving up; i was giving up too.

Something had touched my hair. I snapped my head around to look at the empty seat beside me. I thought to myself, was I imagingi it? I felt something touch my hair again and that time I knew it wasn't my imagination but it was never in my nature to admit when I was afraid so instead I stood and walked to my door. I pulled open the door, back then my idea of comfort was in numbers and not in the quality of it, but suddenly the door slammed back closed. It was then that I began to panic.

I tried to open the door again, keeping a straight face, but this time it was wripped from my fingers and was slammed closed in my face yet again. My heart had leaped into my throat and I jumped backwards as the wind began to pick up and I began to loose my breath so I called out, "Marti! Marti! Jon!"

No answer but I wasn't going to wait there any more. I jumped off the steps and ran toward the back of the house. The sky turned dark suddenly as if following me on my adventure. I tried opening my back door but it wouldn't budge this time and now...now I was freaking out. I took a giant step back and tried to take in deep breathes, something Dr. Walcott taught me to do when I was having an attack of this magnitude. This felt like the worse.

But still it wasn't working! I rushed back to the side of the house and began to bang on the kitchen window. My aunt usually did her drinking there and I knew she would hear me, any day she would hear me. But after five minutes of banging and no response I knew she wasn't listening and I knew something was stopping her.

With tears blurring my vision I climbed on top of one of the trash cans and stood on my tippy-toes to open the window. I had no idea what was happening and I had to find out. My vision only reached the sink so I pulled myself up with the strength of my fear but what I saw...I had no answer for. So I screamed.

Before I could act a sharp pain filled my leg and I began to fall backward into open space, into darkness. There was a loud noise, a banging, and then I was caught but not by a net by arms. I began to kick and scream but a loud, "Whoa! Whoa!" took my attention from the darkness and onto the face of the person that caught me. Not a guy...but a man or a model.

His eyes were a green array of color that turned from dark to light and his sturn face from serious to joyful. There were different hues of him filling into my vision and then he let a long smile fall across his lips, "Did it hurt when you feel from Heaven?"

"Dean! Now!"

My eyes jumped from his face, Dean's, and to the man running toward us who was older but still just as handsome. Everything was odd...everything seemed unreal and none of the facts were sticking. The man, Dean, transformed from the model and into a soldier and before I could focus we were flying. He was running, running so fast and holding me so tight but then there was a loud noise that filled the air around us. Like a ragdoll I followed Dean's movements and saw a big man, maybe seven feet tall with big muscles and a knife...he looked angry...and he looked directly at me.

And then there was the noise that turned out to be a scream. His scream. He began to run and I flinched inside of Dean's arms and with my eyes closed I could see her. My aunt...on the ground...covered in blood...her own...A loud noise opened my eyes and we were running again. I looked over Dean's shoulder and saw the man, the older one, had a gun and was shooting the guy but...he wasn't getting shot. Instead...he disappeared and reappeared and continued and then everything was getting blurry and I don't know...

"Let's go!"

I turned around and saw in front of us was a cool old school car and as if I didn't weigh anything Dean opened the door and held me with one arm as he jumped in. Dean held me tight as the older guy jumped into the car and began to drive, leaving the screaming and the dead bodies behind us.

But not my panic.

I began to take in six breathes but it wasn't helping-I wasn't calm. I laid my head against the guys chest but everything was fading, fading in and out. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on something, anything but all I could hear was the heart beat. It was steady and calming and focusing on the heart beat made me begin to mirror it and then I was okay and everything was back into its fixed location.

But the memory wasn't gone. I tried to still my voice but it shook without control,"My aunt's dead, isn't she? I saw her on the kitchen floor. My uncle's dead too."

"We came as fast as we could," it was the older guy who spoke. He was driving and he sounded so sad as he added the last part, "I'm sorry."

But I had no time for apologies. I whispered softly as I closed my eyes, "I think I'm bleeding."

As I shut off the shower I stepped out and wrapped my towel around myself. I tried not to smile but thinking of Dean and our first meeting made me grin for hours. Especially when the first thing Dean said to me comes to mind. I would never allow myself to forget any second of our meeting. I would never allow myself to forget. But of course my memories came with a price. I tried to go through my actions mechanically without a thought but a pain began to grow inside my chest that only one person could heal and as I began to get dressed I thought about him.

I looked at my cell phone, planning on listening to an old voicemail when I find a new one. My heart grows in my chest and beats so hard I feel like I'm going to have an attack but I'm not. I know the difference. I open the phone and look at the time, I missed him again!

_"Sam figured out the coordinates. We are heading to Black Water Ridge in Lost Creek, Colorado...It's nothing but a bunch of woods..We don't even know if he's there. Sam's been having these nightmares that just..freak me out and they're getting worse; I don't know how to help him and he wont let me an- I shouldn't be telling you this. You're just gonna worry. Anyway, you should be in the shower..Oh, that image will get me through my own...Tell the Doc I said hey, will ya? I took the liberty of checking the weather over there. Looks like you're gonna need a sweater. I miss y- Oh yeah! I don't know why but I was just thinking of the first thing I said to you and man, am I good!"_

Oh Dean.

I shook my head with a blush as I took out my journal. I missed him so much; he always knows just what to say. Once I was finished writing down the message I picked up my backpack that I needed to pack for the Doc. Inside I put in the phones I had and put them in a pack along with Dean's journal, my medical journal, a gun that Dean had bought me, and the pills I was refusing to take. The Doc would not be pleased but as I pack everything I think of one important comment in Dean's message. Sam's nightmares. Just like mine.

I shake my head of the thoughts, there's nothing to it. I'm just putting mixed up things and mushing them into one and I had to get going. I grabbed my sweater on my way out of the house along with my back pack, my keys, and fourty bucks. I also made sure to lock the door behind me while making sure not to mess up the salt line. I got into my car, the one that had once belonged to my aunt but was now filled with odd symbols Dean deamed necessary.

Man...I really needed him.


	3. Chapter 3

Tick. Tick. Tick.

In 's waiting room the only thing that could be heard was the continual and comforting tick, tick, tick of the clock on the beige wall. It was the only thing I could rely on to be on when ever I arrived and as always it never let me down. It was my only companion in the waiting room while everyone else was either just waking up or on their commute. The receptionists had yet to arrive and even in the lobby the security gaurd had left his night shift. There was a comfort in this lonliness, the familiar feeling of it all, but mostly it was sad. The sick distrubed feeling in my body made my thoughts turn sour but I had to ask myself why? Why was I always so early? To every appointment, to any place I went? Why was I always the first one? It was like my body wouldn't allow me to have interactions with people. It was like my sickness wanted me alone, forever and all the time.

My sickness.

I tried not to think about it but with my pack on my lap, the keys in my hand, and the lights all shut off it was all I could think about. That and the nightmares that felt so real when I dreamed them and still so frightening after. I know what Dr. Walcott would say about the dreams. I haven't been taking my medicine and I haven't seen Dean in over two months. Both must be a factor. But were they?

There goes my mind again; drifing off to places I never wanted it to go. I shut my eyes and leaned my head against the back of the chair. I had been feeling so exhausted and sleep was so little. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to dream but there wasn't any comfort in that anymore. But there was comfort in memories...especially where I had left off.

It was the familiar sound of shouting that had woken me up from my black sleep. My body responded first by tensing up but slowly my mind noticed and recognized the voices. They belong to my rescuers, Dean and the other man. But what could they be fighting about?

"We have to finish this Dean," it was the older man. I opened my eyes slightly, the lights were to bright for me to open them all the way, and saw them standing before each other as if to square off in a fight .

"I'm not letting you go back to that thing by yourself. I can hel-"

"Dean," there was something in the older man's voice that made the fight final. With his name and that tone it was like there was no way he could be countered. It was like he already won. But still he continued, " I'm going to go back and finish this. And you're going to stay here and take care of that girl. Am I understood?"

Dean's head, so fragile and angry, hung slightly as if to bow in submission as he spat out,"Yes sir."

The man turned around, walking to the door and opening it all in one motion. I had been expecting a slam but weakly, without even turning around, he added, "I'll ask Bobby to help, if that'll make you feel better."

The man didn't wait for an answer. He shut the door behind himself while Dean locked the door. His actions were slow and sluggish as if the adrenaline from the fight was leaking out of him with each quiet step. He took a seat on the bed, the other bed, and it was then that I noticed we were in a cheap motel room. _Lanza 86_ I thought it must have been because of the bright decorations and all the yellow. My aunt had known the woman who ran it...before she was dead like I should have been. But Dean saved me and there he was, sitting on the bed in deep thought. He was so handsome and from that small altercation he seemed so...destroyed...he seemed so...watching me!

"How long you been awake?" It was the first thing he said directly to me that wasn't a pick up line. I wondered why he wasn't angry that I had spied on his private conversation. I wondered why of all the things he could have asked he asked the simple question. A question that just need an answer.

So I did, "From 'We have to finish this Dean.'"

"So you figured I'm Dean?" he asked and I wondered how he could express so much and so little with each one of his facial expressions.

"Yeah, the other guy's been screaming it all day," I said as I slowly, very slowly lifted myself up into a sitting position.

There was a chuckle, a brief one like an exhale of air, that I registered before he continued, "That's my dad. But you can call him, John. You're Lorrine Damsel."

"Call me Lori," I snapped weakly; I hated the name Lorrine. It was only used in the worst of times like when my aunt was trying to convince me to try a new drug or when I was getting pulled out of school or when we were moving. 'It's for the best' always followed but nothing good ever came out of that name. I tried to push myself up to stand but it was like my arms weren't listening to me and they wouldn't move. My strength had gone down into the danger zone. I looked up at Dean quickly and added, "I need something to eat."

As if on que two Snickers bars landed in my lap but I felt to weak to grab them. I grabbed and I held and I tried to lift and pull off the wrapper but everything was blurry again and I felt like I was going to pass out but then Dean snatched the bars from me and opened them as if they were nothing. I didn't say thank you, I didn't want him to think I needed his help. Instead I ate the bars like I hadn't eaten anything in ages while I listened to him work up the courage to ask, "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me. I'm fine. I'm just sick," I explained, regretting instantly the attitude I gave him but what ever. I didn't need another person telling there was something w_rong _with me.

"What do you have?" he corrected. I could feel his eyes on me but I couldn't lift mine up to confirm. Instead I focused on his dirty boots and chewing and swallowing and deciding how I would answer a question everyone's been asking. What do I have? I heard a soft chuckle and looked up angrily in time to see Dean smile as he cautioned, "Slow down, you're gonna lose a finger. I got more here."

I didn't bother hiding the anger that leaked out of my eyes but I did hide the blush. Why are cute guys such jerks? He knows he's cute and he knows what he does to girls like me, why does he have to keep doing it? I answered his question with my mouthful to prove a point, "No one knows...My aunt's dead right? And my uncle too? That guy killed them. Why did he kill them? Where's the police?"

"Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Ready for what? I thought back to the way my aunt looked on the ground, drowning in blood, and the man that was screaming and disappearing and reappearing as John shot at him. Was I ready for this? I thought there was only one way to find out. I nodded.

"That wasn't a guy back there. That was a ghost. His name was Steven Meyer and he died ten years ago. He was battling some kind of...sickness and no one knew what it was. He died before they realized it was cancer and since then he's been at large," he didn't say these things as if it were nothing. As he spoke his eyes were on mine, pouring into mine, as if to give me his strength as if he knew this was crazy and he knew no normal person could handle this without a little help...especially someone like me.

"At large?" the words came out like a whisper.

"Haunting Dr. Walcott and killing all of his patients," he explained.

My doctor. He's been my doctor for four years. Is that why the waiting rooms have been getting emptier and emptier with each visit? I looked away as I thought about him, "Dr. Walcott?"

"He was his doctor too."

That poor old man with that poor tortured smile and that old look on his face getting older and older. Poor doctor. It can't be true. I snapped my head up a little too fast and all the information was hitting me at once and all I could think to ask was, "Who are you guys?"

"You know those things that go 'bump' in the middle of the night?" he asked, casting his gaze to the side to look at something or remember an event.

"Yeah," I answered, closing my eyes briefly to let the episode of nautiousness pass but there was a stiffness in the air that suddenly forced my eyes open and onto his that were digging deep inside of me again and forcing me to get lost in his reply.

"Well let's just say we're the guys that bump back, hard."

A shiver rolled down my spine as the full weight of his words slammed down into me and I knew then with Dean in front of me that these were the good guys. I was in the right place for once. These guys knew how to save people and they had already saved me. I swallowed the vomit I felt creeping up my stomach and said softly, "Thank you."

"For what?" he asked, his whole appearance shifting to match his complete shock.

"For saving me," I answered, letting him know with my tone that it was ridiculous that he should have to ask why.

A deep and menacing smirk formed on his lips that created the most perfect boomerang of a smile I had ever seen and with a wink he grinned, "All in a day's work."

I rolled my eyes openly at his reply which somehow filled the air with a loud and pompous laugh. I couldn't help but to allow myself to laugh a little too, something I hadn't done in years. I looked back at him, feeling instantly better as the Snickers kicked in and inquired, "How long have you been doing this?"

"My whole life," he shot out quickly, leaning back onto his elbows as he got comfortable on the parallel bed.

"Whole life?" I repeated, finding it insane that he's been going after ghost and saving 'Damsels' in distress for such a long time.

"Yeah...ever since I was little. Something snuck into our house one night, started a fire, and killed my mother and we've been huntin' the thing ever since," his voice changed as he told the story into a darkness that reminded me of his father but that's not what I focused on. I focused on the rattling that seemed to make all my bones creek and rock and grab them all at once.

I felt my tears push out of me and fill into my eyes as my face began to tingle and my nose began to hurt and I asked, keeping my face away from his sight, "Did it start in the nursery?"

He shot up from the bed and into a sitting a position so fast it would have given me a headache if I had followed it. His voice got darker and scarier as my insides did, "How did you know?"

My eyes jumped from place to place, from the lights to the ground and briefly to his face, to stop the tears from spilling as I answered through my clenched jaw, "My mother died the same way. "

"Good morning, Ms. Damsel. Tamara informs me that you were an hour early again," Dr. Walcott Jr. greeted as I walked through the door.

My eyes narrowed in confusion as I hopped onto the bed with the slippery paper. Why was he here? "Yeah, I'm sorry," I apologized tentatively before asking, "Where's Dr. Walcott?"

He sighed with a little frown, "Sick again this morning. He asked me to take care of all his patients today. And don't apologize. You know you can come when ever you'd like. That's why the old man gave you the key. My only concern is...did you eat your breakfast today?"

How did they always know? Dr. Walcott Jr. was only a few years older than me but it was as if him and his dad were the same person. They knew the same information, the stuff about John and Dean, as well as everything I'm most likely to do. They knew me better than I knew myself. I shook my head as he got the light thing to shine in my ears and my throat, "No. But I'll get some right after this."

"Good girl. Now has anything been troubling you?" he asked, moving the light from side to side and up and down and then putting a top on it so he could look into my ears.

"I've been having these...strange nightmares," I said tentatively, opening my mouth when it was time for him to check my throat.

"Nightmares?" he repeated. "About your aunt and uncle again?"

He took out the arm band thing that checked my blood pressure and wrapped it around my shoulder as I answered,"No...about Dean. Tell your Dad he said 'hi?'"

"Will do. Now, tell me. When's the last time you've seen Dean?" He asked, listening to what ever the stupid test tells him.

"Two months,"I answered half-heartidly.

"You're not taking your medicine, are you?" he asked, taking off the band as he wrote down all his finding in his chart.

I looked up at him so suddenly I gave myself a headache and he began to laugh.

"Don't look so shocked. A side-effect of the medicine is increased drowsiness and dreamless sleep. You look exhausted and you're taking about nightmares. I'm a doctor, I can put these things together. As for the nightmares...you haven't seen him in two months. It's probably just a case of the lonelies. You know what he's facing out there, trying to keep us simple folk safe. My best advice is to take the medicine! You look horrible and weak! Swollow the pills and eat something! My dad didn't give them to you for his health, they're for yours. Do you unerstand" He shouted, shaking my shoulders to emphasis the point and making me laugh at how ridiculous he looked and sounded.

"Fine, fine, fine!" I yelled in the same tone, allowing him to release me at once. "I'll take it when I get home."

He sat down on his seat and took out his little prescription bad, "Don't go blowing smoke up my ass, Lori, really do it. And here, add this. It'll help you with the nightmares and your appetite."

He pulled the paper out of the pad and handed it over to me as I hopped off the bed, "I WILL. It was good seeing you, Doc. Thanks for everything."

"No problem," he sighed, following me to the door and with a smile he added, "Oh yeah, and call me Nick, for Christ-sakes, you're embarresing me over here."

I nodded my head as I waved weakly, "Alright, Nick."

"Alright," he waved back.

And then I was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Breakfast.

Such a foreign concept. I had never enjoyed breakfast with my aunt and uncle before. I was always up and out at our appointments and anything I did eat was usually a banana or some crackers packed for the travel. Did Nick really expect me to eat something? I looked at the bowl of fruit sitting before in the middle of the kitchen table. It looked like something you would find in a tv show, just for looks not for eating. But then again that's how everything looked now in days. Not realy, not for actual use.

I pick up the banana with a sigh.

I could imagine Dean's voice saying "Good girl" or something cheesy like that. Dean. With him breakfast was always the most important meal of the day. I always pulled out all the stops for him and for some reason, having him here to eat my food made me want to eat too. That's just the way he was. Contagious. Speaking of Dean, I hadn't checked my phone all morning, did he leave me a message.

I checked the cell phone and smiled brightly as I looked at it. He left me one. I closed my eyes and put the phone to my ear, imagining that he was right beside me whispering the words.

_"Hey Lor,I'm positive Dad hasn't even stopped here let alone worked a job. Sam's antsy to get out of here but there's people we still gotta help. It turns out there's a girl here by the name of Haley and her younger brother Ben that need our help. Their brother Tommy went on a camping trip and hasn't come back. Sam's wants to head out but I now somethings up. Something just isn't right here. Anyway, looks like we'll be sticking around for a little bit longer than expected unless Sam has his way with me and slips something into my drink..I...I think Sam is losing it..As far as I'm concerned when it comes to you and him...it won't happen. If he keeps this up you'll stay my dirty little secret and you know I like it that way...I l-...I need to go now...I might not call in a while but don't worry-about the job or the girl, babe. I have a feeling this one's gonna drag me into the woods with no chance for secret phone calls. Anyway...I miss you."_

Well...that hadn't been as helpful as I had imagined. Don't worry? Dean knew me better than that. I put the banana back in it's place as I stood from the table and walked to the room for the notebook. If I thought eating was difficult before it was going to be impossible after that message. I jotted down the date on the page and began to do the usual habit but as I did I realized this wasn't going to work out anymore. It wasn't helping me get through the long months that seemed to be getting longer and longer. I could hear in his voice...in the way he called me _babe_ that he felt the same way but it was different for him. He had something to do, someone to keep him occupied. I had nothing and no one but my own lonely company.

I huffed and walked back to the kitchen.

This kind of thinking was never beneficial.

I began to cook up some oatmeal because the familiar fogginess around my vision reminded me that some nutrition was required. But cooking created a numbness that allowed the memories I hated to creep in with no resistance. I sighed as continued my actions, I couldn't keep living in them.

The night John left us in the hotel room we stayed up talking. We talked about our mother's and what we knew of their deaths. He told me about what he remembered of his mother and about his brother that was actually my age. He told me about the recent trouble that kept them all seperated at Dean's expense. He told me about how he fixed up my leg with dental floss and some random items with a shakey hand and yet I didn't make a peep. He told me more about how my aunt and uncle were killed and about the many things him and his family faced that were just as terrible as Steven. For few minutes at a time he'd sneak out and get us some treats when I was hungry, my favorites, and when he'd return we'd talk about music and movies and the things that brought us the simple kind of joy.

He told me stories about the monsters he had faced. He told me stories about his brother and about the last time he saw him. He told me about how he carried his brother Sam from the burning house. He told me he sometimes wished he didn't have to do this job, go from place to place to save people without being able to reap in the rewards. Sometimes he wished...he could settle down and just have a real girlfriend.

And then the conversation came down to how I was dealing with the loss of my gaurdians.

"Can you pass me some Nerds?" I asked instead of answering his actual question.

He gave me this look, this little squint of the eyes that meant he knew I was avoiding the question. But still he passed me a box of pinks and purples. I focused on shaking a them out into my palm as I balanced criss-cross-apple-sauce on my bed with Dean laying on his elbows beside me. It was actually difficult task to do since I was so sure I was going to fall forward at any second.

I popped the handfull into my mouth and chewed onto it then put my sour apple lollipop back where it belonged. I thought maybe by buying myself some time he would lose interest in my answer..but he was still watching me as he ate his peanut m and m's one by one. I tried not to look into his eyes because looking there always made me dizzy so instead I focused on the bag we had bought from the store between us like an ocean of forbidden goods as I answered, "You know...my aunt would never let me eat any of this..."

He didn't say anything like I expected him too. He just looked at me with those eyes that just...saw through me. Saw through the sick Damsel in distress to...to what was down under, what ever that may be.

"My uncle use to sneak me some candy. Nerds-my favorite-but that stopped when I got really sick and my aunt had to quit her job. They got into a big fight and she blamed him...for everything. Apparently my mother had been living with them when I was born and he used to like to smoke cigars before bed and the night she died he fell asleep with one in his mouth. Well...that's what they said. My aunt yelled at him so bad and I remember thinking it wasn't his fault...I knew he didn't kill my mother and he didn't make me sick. But that didn't stop her from blaming him and then that didn't stop him from shutting down. He just...stopped talking, period. And my aunt. She was always...like that. Always on top of me. Always making sure I took my medicine, tried the new treatment, or saw the new doctors. She never asked me what I wanted to do. My whole life it was never a question that I was going to follow her to what ever new scheme she had concocted to get me better but the funny thing is...she never talked to me unless she was telling me to do something. I never talked to her like I talk to you...I never talked to ANYONE like I talk to you. Instead she just drank and left me alone. We just kept getting colder and more distant the older I got," I sighed, grabbing the water bottle perched in the middle of my legs to take a quick drink. A frog had jumped into my throat and was making it hard to talk. I never talked like this and I didn't want to stop, "She wanted me to try a new experiment that would make my hair follow out again and it would hurt and there was a chance I would become paralyzed. I didn't want to do it but I didn't have a choice. That was it I was going to do it. We never talked about my choices or my feelings."

I expected an answer a reply at this point but still Dean was silent. Not even an "uhuh" escaped his lips and for a second I thought he had fallen asleep in the middle of it. But when I glanced at him he was still staring at me in that quiet, expecting way as if there was more to the story that I wasn't sharing. As if he still wanted to listen to me.

"I know I should have been grateful. And now that she's..gone I should have this big realization that she wasn't that bad. That maybe her only flaw was that she cared too much or something. But she didn't care that much. She wasn't trying to save me. She was trying to save my mother and instead of sadness or regret...I just feel relief. I feel like my life can start now, like no one can tell me what to do," my eyes feel the opposite of watery. They feel so dry I feel like each bat of my lashes are going to start a fire of some sort..and then I realize what this feeling is, "I feel relieved..but I feel guilty too."

I saw his head nod in the corner of my eye but I wasn't sure if that meant he wanted me to continue. I couldn't continue. There was nothing left for me to say, that was it. I opened my mouth to tell him that but suddenly he took my hand between both of his any my heart was suddenly stuck inside of my mouth and I couldn't say a word. There was no way I could look into his eyes now but something about his actions called me to them and I could see his cheeks just a little red, not as red as mine, but something as he softly said, "You don't have to feel guilty, Lori. You're right to feel relieved and you shouldn't let anything ruin that. You're free now...and you're with me. You can do anything you want."

I felt my face explode like a fire cracker. He was good. Saying I could do anything I want after saying that I was with him after he touched my hand and somehow drew me in so close to him I knew my hair was tickling the slight stuble on his cheek. He wanted me to kiss him. But how could I do that? I had never been kissed before! I told him that and had to listen to him laugh at me for like half an hour, how did he expect me to make the first move now! Or was that his plan? To see if I was too chicken to take what I wanted from him in this moment. Well...I didn't want him to think I was scared or too weak to act out with him. I pulled my hand out of both of his and rested it on his cheek, feeling the tiny hairs poke my palm as I leaned in. This was it. My first kiss. I was going to get it!

Or so I thought.

The door swung open just as I was working up the suspense and like children we pulled away to opposite ends of the bed with our candy in our mouths as if that would replace what else we were going to do with them. John walked into the room muddy and smiling with a big bag in his hand. He tossed the bag on the small table in the room as he commented, "I see you're awake."

"Yeah..." I drawled as I took in his entire appearance. "Why are you so muddy?"

His smile faultered as he shut the door behind him, losing the pleasantries of the situation as he answered with, "It's a long story. I brought your medicine."

An involuntary groan escaped my mouth and I quickly smacked my hands over my mouth. I didn't mean to do that but I thought I was done with that stuff! John gave me this sweet little smile, the kind that my uncle used to give when I made the same noise at my aunt. But Dean took away the little moment as he stood from the bed as he asked, "Is it done?"

Yes again John's smile disapatted. He frowned disapprovingly as he pulled off his jacket and kicked off his boots, "No."

"What's not done?" I asked, looking between both of them as I felt the tension in the room suddenly increase to the point it could be cut with a butter knife.

John sighed a heavy sigh as he answered,"You're not safe yet. Not even close."

"What does that mean? Am I in danger? Am I going to die?" the questions shot out of my mouth, the shock having caused my filter momentarily to lose focus.

"No, Lori, we're not gonna let anything hurt you, alright?" it was Dean now, talking in a serious tone just like John's that had the same effect of being calming and still informing. I nodded my head weakly as I watched him look back at John for some sort of invisible que before continuing, "We're just gonna have to...stay with us a little longer. So we can keep you safe and get this bastard off your back."

Was it my imagination or was there a smile pulling at the corners of his lips? Oh, why did he have to do that? I lowered my face because I could feel a smile growing there too and I wasn't nearly as good as manipulating it as he was. Why did he have to make me feel all girly in front of John? From our short interactions and the stores from Dean I had begun to I feel an attachment to John as if...he were my dad. Because in fact he was the dad I would want. One that would protect me and defend me no matter what.

"Is that alright?" John asked with a tentativeness that seemed so misplaced in his usually strong and sure voice.

I looked up and nodded my head, trying not to sound too eager as I answered,"That's just fine."

The house phone rang, pulling me from my memories and the zombie-like way I consumed my oatmeal. I covered my ears slightly, trying to block out the loud ringing because I really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone today. The answering maching picked it up and to my surprise it was Nick.

"Hey, Lori, I'm just checking in to make sure you got some breakfast and make sure you take your medicine. The pharmacy told me you already picked it up so you can't say it's a mix up again. I'm not my father, you're not going to get away with that one again. Anyway, make sure you get some rest and have a good day."

Oh Nick, how I wished it were that simple.


	5. Chapter 5

_**The Swat team stormed into the large house like a giant uniform blob that had many feet but stepped and breathed at the same time. They walked fast and silent through the strange home and made sure to search through every room on the first and second floor before coming across the closed door they were hoping for. Inside there was a woman bloody and bleeding, tied down in a chair with open terrified eyes that blew up at the sight of the Swat. That was a good sign, she was alive. Part of the group stayed behind and took her apart while the main section moved along, searching for the culprit. They reached through another room and inside, staring at the open window, was the bastard that did this. Staring at them, trying to make his escape, was Dean.**_

I awoke with my hands already over my mouth to keep in the screams but that didn't stop the terror that shook through my bones and created a sweat to burn me up. I tried to calm and breathe put my heart was beating so fast that air escaped me. Sitting up wasn't an option, I already knew the new medication made my muscles into slush and every action impossible, but what could I do? I lowered my hands and tried the little trick, "Six.. Five.. Four.. Three.. Two.. One."

Finally air was begining to work its way into my lungs but still I was afraid. How could that be? My Dean? No, not my Dean! My Dean would never do that, hurt someone, a woman? She was so beaten, and so hurt, and I knew Dean would never hurt a girl unless she was a threat to innocent lives but not like that-never like that. But it was his face.

I had to calm myself. Why was I thinking so much into it, trying to justify it. It was just a dream, a nightmare. It wasn't real. But why couldn't I liet it go? Probably because this is the only reoccuring dream I've ever had in my life. I don't have reoccuring dreams...the pills are supposed to stop that. Aren't they?

I looked around the room briefly, to see if the salt lines were still intact and ofcoarse they were but along my look I found the message on my phone. It was blinking red and I tried to reach for it but my arms were too weak, my muscles were still sludge. I groaned out loud, "Uhhhhm...I hate you Nick!"

But still I couldn't do anything but lay back down and try to breathe. I rolled my eyes as I took in more six breaths but I was so tired, exhausted, but the dreams were so frightening. I sighed...knowing the thoughts were coming back.

John had left us alone the next day again, early in the morning this time. I awoke with him while Dean slept on the couch and helped him get ready for the evening. I helped him back his bag full of things he would need like, matches and salt and the shells for the shotgun, and he explained why he needed them. Salt repelled evil things-the reason why they lined it against the door and the windows-and shooting the ghost kept it away for at least a little while. I asked John how he knew about these things and he just answered, "Lots of research."

I glanced over at Dean as I heard the snore escape his throat. I tried not to make it obvious. How cute he looked all giant and sprawled over the little thing but it was almost impossible not to look.

"You have something for him, don't you?" John asked with a little smile that looked tired and sad by his discovery. But I couldn't answer. I looked downward as my face blew up with color and heat, I wasn't used to the kind of question and answer relationship this family got through. John chuckled softly at my reaction but while he looked away I made sure to sneak in a bottle of water and an energy bar in case he got hungry, "I know the look. He's shy, you know."

I couldn't help but to mumble under my breath, "Shy?"

"I know. Doesn't seem like it, but it's true. He can walk into a place and make anyone laugh but when the morning comes what's left? Nothing and he keeps it that way. He's terrifed of feeling so he doesn't," the way John talked and stared at Dean it was like he wasn't really looking at him. It was like he waslooking at and describing a completely different person. It was sad, the way his eyes got lost and fuzzy and when my touched his jacket to comfort he closed right back up again. He smiled weakly as he looked at me and nodded, "Until now."

Until now? I opened my mouth to ask, what did he mean? But the conversation was already over.

"I'll come back as soon as I can. Make sure you don't leave this room and make sure the salt lines aren't disturbed," he spoke to me like I was Dean, a little nicer of course but in the sense that there was no stopping what he was doing and if I didn't follow his instructions I would get in a lot of trouble. He opened the door but slowed his actions, not really leaving just yet. He glanced backward at me and gave me a little, anxious sigh as he commented, "And be safe."

I groaned with embaresment as I fixed the salt lines again. "Be safe." What did that mean? Of course I knew what that meant! "Be safe" with Dean. "Use protection" is what he meant. My face turned red at the thought of me and Dean...alone and in the bed, a nervous shiver ran down my spine, that wasn't even possible! Someone like Dean, so 'knowledgable' in almost every area, with someone like me? A little sheltered girl? A sick little sheltered girl? Ugh, I wanted to die.

But not really.

On the other side of the scale, if John thought it was a possibility it must be. What if this was my chance to...do _it._ I had ever really thought about it...what am I kidding. I thought about it all the time with anyone that would give me a second look before my aunt came in to ruin the chances. I thought about other people doing it too, I thought about bunches of people doing it, with me even! But those were times when I was really lonely and really bored and the way I felt after those thoughts...I didn't want to feel that way with Dean.

"Morning, Angel."

I snapped my head around a little too fast and instantly got dizzy but I couldn't let him see that. So instead I just waved weakly and sat down on the edge of the nearest bed I could find, "Good morning, Dean."

"What're you doin' up so early?" he asked through a yawn, making sure to sit up slowly to deliberately get my attention on his bare chest only covered my his necklace but I couldn't focus on it.

"I just can't sleep for too long, I start to feel a little sick," I answered, making sure not to look at him because looking at him would only make me feel worse.

"And we don't want that, now. I see you made the beds," he commented, forcing me to turn up and look at him. I wasn't sure how he knew that. Was it that obvious? He chuckled a little, "Don't look so surprised. These beds look like they came outa Good House Keeping. Ours always look like Sergeant Hartmen's got his hand up our ass."

A soft smile formed on my mouth, allowing me to relax and feel alittle better as I looked up at him to ask, "Full Metal Jacket?"

"You saw that movie?" he asked in an awe that made me grin.

I nodded my head slowly, _very_ _slowly,_ to answer, "Yeah. Not having much of a social life made it a requirement to watch all kinds of movies."

He put his hand over his heart as he obviously played up the over dramatic role to gasp, "I think I love you already."

My face turned to fire and his eyes suddenly bulged out of his face as the words left his mouth. I couldn't help but to laugh as he began to stutter his 'um's to think of a good cover but this was perfect, I thought, never in my time of knowing him had he ever been at a loss for words, "Cool down, Tiger, I think it's time you hit the showers."

"Yeah, sounds like a good idea," he stammered as he rushed for the bathroom door. I pressed my hand against my mouth to keep in the laughter but it was nearly impossible. In honesty it wouldn't have been so funny if he hadn't of reacted that way. It was something any normal person would say when developing a relationship, right? Just a joking comment but it felt so...odd. Maybe because our relationship was moving so fast and there was still the thoughts lingering sarted from John's 'Be safe' and the fact that I still didn't know what he meant by 'Until now.'

Why did he have to say that?

I groaned inwardly as I stood from the bed. I turned around to look at it, suddenly curious as to what he meant by my Good House Keeping work. I couldn't really see what he meant but then again it must have been something that only the trained I could see and boy did they have trained eyes. It made me suddenly curious as to what the missing Winchester was like, did he have the same mannerisms although he was completely different?

I couldn't think about those things. I had to do something to get my mind off of the guys that were all around me. A grumble in my stomach reminded me that breakfast was a wonderful idea but where would we get it? John said specifically not to leave the room and from the way he said it I knew there was no chance I was going to break that rule. I looked to the phone between the two beds and picked it up from the reciever. Although this was a motel I knew _Lanza 86 _did room service, the bare minimum sure, but anything was good right now.

"Yes, Mr. Skynyrd?"

"Ms. Skynyrd," I corrected before realizing how ridiculous the name was. I waited for the man on the other end to apologize before answering with my request, "I would like your largest breakfast platter on a roll, two scrambled egg whites with turkey bacon, two black coffees, and two cups of orange juice delievered to the room. Is that alright?"

"Got it, we'll have it over in...fifteen minutes."

"Thank you very much," I smiled before hanging up the phone. I made sure to hear the shower was still running before I let out another groan. Breakfast was always the worst. Never in my life had I ever the capacity to withstand breakfast without throwing it up entirely. I knew from experience that this would be an ordeal and after Dean had seen me throw up there would really be no chance he would want me in...anyway. But fine, that was his issue if he didn't see anything in me what did I care? Oh yeah...I cared a lot.

It wasn't long before the food came and by the time I was finish setting it up on the little table in the room Dean was finished with his shower. The surprise on his face that turned into a smile filled my stomach with little flapping wings, good or bad I wasn't sure. He took the seat in front of me as he let his stomach growl, "How did you know?"

I shrugged sheepishly, "I had a vague idea you would be hungry."

He grinned widely as he picked up the large sandwich between his even larger hands, "You know me so well."

He began to dig into his food savagely but I didn't have that luxury. Slowly I forked the eggs into my mouth but I could just feel the grease working inside of me to build up something aweful. I was so focused on trying to keep everything down that I hardly noticed how quiet the room was, and it was very quiet. The only sound I could hear was my innerworkings and Dean's mouth wrestling with the rubber bacon being grinded between his teeth. It was so nervous making I knew I had to do something.

So I spat out, "Why was John so muddy when he came back yesterday?"

As if he were bummed by the fact he had to answer the question or the silence was broken, Dean placed the sandwich down and grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth. He looked at me with his green eyes all shades of something else before he answered, "The easiest way to kill a ghost is to dig up the bones and salt and burn them. Most likely he went to the grave and found nothing but empty rotting wood."

During his explanation I had swallowed a bad piece of turkey bacon and had nothing to drink but the orange juice I hadn't tried in over twelve years. I looked it over, holding it in my hands as if it were some kind of potion, while I answered, "That sounds like a bummer."

"Not for me," he smirked and I couldn't help but to blush widly as I tried not to look back at his face. He was too good with words and he knew exactly what he was doing with each thing he said. I had to get back at him someway. I took a sip of orange juice and thought for a second, this wasn't so bad. But that secondended quickly. Instantly everything fell down and I was caught in Dean's arms again, "Lori, are you okay?!"

"Yeah...I-I..." I tried to focus on anything but it felt like everything was drifting down to the carpet but in the middle of the drifting and spinning I saw his eyes turned with concern and his face became suddenly still as well. It was the only thing I could focus on so I grabbed it, and tried to hold onto it but it the smooth stubble made it too hard to grab and my hand was too weak and when I thought I was going to faint his hand, rough and callased, took mine and held it against his cheek. A sobering thought came to me that was thrilling and terrifying at once. He was so close. He was going to kiss me. He was going to kiss me...unfortunately now wasn't the time, "I need to go to the ba-"

I pushed past him before I could finish explaining and ran into the bathroom, making sure to slam it shut as I ran to the toilet. In a whirl of motion I let out everything that had been building in my stomach out into the toilet. I suddenly realized...maybe there was a reason my aunt never let me drink Orange Juice. I thought for a moment I was finished, but I was dead wrong.

After the third whirl I made sure I wasn't so dizzy and I stood up, only to plop back down on the closed toilet lid. This was begining of the end or so I thought. A soft rapping at the door got my attention out of the gutter and it was shortly followed by Dean's soft voice, "Lort...are you alright?"

I leaned against the sink, keeping my head propped up with my arm as I answered in a huff, "Just splended, Dean."

I could feel my heart pumping in my ears so loud it made my brain pound harder against the inside of my head. I cradled my head inside my arm and attempted the nifty new breathing trick Dr. Walcott taught me. In the middle the door opened and I knew it was Dean.

"Im okay Dean," I groaned, "...I pro-"

Before I could finish my second sentence I was back on my knees and throwing up in the toilet. At this point it was just water because there was nothing in me any more! I tried to stop it but there was nothing I could do, I was so embarresed. But then Dean did the most..romantic thing I had ever thought. He took my hair out of my face and held it in his hand while the other began to rub my back. It was the most amazing thing I had ever been through.

But I still didn't feel any better. I felt so weak and tired and in pain and it was the craziest thing because five minutes ago I had been fine. I had been so perfect. Just peachy and fine. But that stupid orange juice.

When I had finished this round I was so exhausted I was unable to get up and I could only lay my head against the toilet seat. I was too tired to even acknowlege or resist Dean pulling me gently towards him. All I could do was rest my head against his chest and focus on the beating of his calming heart as he continued to push the hair that fell into my face.

"Did you take your medicine?"

A loud sting of groans escaped my mouth. I hated my medicine; I hated all of it and never wanted to take it again. But with all the pain filling me I knew I needed to opt for the numbness instead of the agony. I shook my head weakly and sighed, "No."

"Come on...Let's get some meds in you," Dean said softly, somehow sounding comforting as he did. He helped me up to my feet but halfway through the chore it became apparent I wasn't going to get on me feet so instead he lifted me into his arms and carried me into the other room. Once there he sat me down at the now clear table where I collapsed my upperbody. He came back with the bag John had grabbed and placed the bottles on the table in the completely wrong order. If I wasn't so nausious I'd laugh. He asked with determination, "Alright...which one's it?"

I lifted my head up onto my chin and began to sift through the different bottles but even more dread came over me. I felt myself begining to whimper but I had to stop myself, I couldn't keep looking so helpless, "The one I need...it isn't here."

"...Come on...," Dean urged as he coaxed me back into his arms, "There's a Pharmacy around the corner. You can tell 'em what you need and they'll get it for you. Don't worry, it's gonna be alright."

I leaned into him and he took me up again, holding me against him like an embrace and a cradle. He grabbed his keys and pushed it into his pocket as he opened the door. But as the door went was pulled into the room the salt line was broken.

We were doomed as soon as he said 'Don't worry.'

It seemed to have taken twenty minutes before I could regain control of my body and by them I wasn't even tired anymore. The blinking on my cell phone kept reminding me of the message waiting for me but still I was terrified it would be someone else telling me of the horrible thing Dean had done. But the memories I had just been going through were a comforting reminder that Dean wouldn't do that and I'm going to be okay.

I took in six more breaths, just to be sure, and then sat up, quickly reaching for my phone.

"_Hey. I know it's been a while and I'm thankful for your patients but everything's fine. We made it. Woooh. All jokes aside. Turns out it was a Wendigo that was kidnapping and killing people. After a short hiking and camping and being kidnapped and all we found it and killed it. We even managed to save Tommy! But bad news is Sam's officially obsessed now. A-class stuck in it. But then again that's just Sammy's way. He doesn't do anything half-assed so I guess that's a comfort. But I don't know how I can help him...or how I could save him. You're the one that's good at getting through to people and I-I just can't do it like you. I keep tryin' but...I don't know. I'm confused. I miss you, Lor." _

I rolled my eyes and whipped them angrily, unable to stop myself from answering the message,"I miss you too Dean."

I decided then, at that point, this was the last night I would spend this way. I was not going to cry over Dean, I was not going to let this distance waste me away. Sure this was the longest time we had ever been apart but I was not going to let this kill me. In the morning I promised I was going to make a change. For better or worse I was going to live my life...until he came home.


	6. Chapter 6

When the morning came I packed up all my belongs as if I were going on a trip back to Dr. Walcott's office. I packed the phones, Dean's journal, my medical journal, a gun that Dean had bought me, and the pills I now had to take. I looked over the bottles and thought to myself, what if I threw them away? How would anyone know? I would know, I would feel it. Although it had only been a week since I had begun taking the medication I felt a large difference in my body. I had more energy, more of an appetite, and I had begun to feel a bit more optimistic...but it all didn't come with a price. I felt sick, sicker than usual. I felt like I was hot and cold all over again and most importantly I felt at any second I was going to throw up...like my body wasn't real. Like my body was attacking itself.

But that was my life, never any good without a whole lot of bad. I had to pick which part was worth it. I had to keep living on.

And so to keep living on I ignored the side-effects and drove to the hiking store infront of the Doc's office. Unfortuately it was only 5:45 am so every store in the downtown was closed. I parked right before the store and decided the best thing I could do was wait for everything to open in my safe car where I could maybe...get a few z's in.

As if he had been waiting all day for a peak into the room, Steven stood before us and wripped me from Dean's arms so fast I landed across the street. A scream escaped my throat that sounded loud and shrill as if it didn't come from me but from a wounded animal. In reality that's what I was, another wounded animal getting wounded again.

I tried to stand up but my legs didn't seem to be working, like when I hit my head all the messages got mixed up. I opened my mouth to call for Dean but when I opened my eyes I saw he was tied up...by Steven lifting him in the air and tossing him on top of the hood of someone's car. I let out a grunt of frustration, it seemed like me and Dean could never have even a second to ourselves.

"They didn't help me! No one helped me! Not Dr. Walcott, not mom, not dad! No one! It's not fair!" He screamed as he lifted me up into the air by my shirt, the collar choking me and taking all the air out of my lungs, his other hand reaching up to hold my throat. "No one's helping you, hmm? Well not anymore!"

Before Steven could twist my neck a shot rang out and I was slipping through the air and falling back on hard surface. The pain made everything black and dark for a second but the light followed shortly after. I opened my eyes and watched Dean running after me, looking so cool and hot with that big gun in his hand. He helped me up quickly and held me agaisnt him as we ran away from the sight. "Lori, are you okay?"

"Yea-Yeah!" I shouted, trying to move as fast as I could but my leg was obviously injured and Dean's strong arm around me wasn't making me feel any better but I couldn't say that, "I think I'm okay..."

We got to the Impala and Dean opened the door and I was just about to jump in when he stopped me. What was he doing? His eyes were screaming with emotion and I could feel my face mirroring his expression as his hand touched my cheek. He held my face in his hand, his calloused hand so solid and unmoving and so...strong and handsome. He was protecting me, and caring for me, the only one that ever tried. He was everything I ever wanted.

We moved closer and at the moment, that second, I loved Steven Meyer. Dean was going to kiss me. Finally, he was going to kiss me. And just when our lips were going to meet air touched mine and I saw then that Dean was suddenly wripped from me and there Steven was again, throwing me backwards through a car windshield that sent alarms blarring.

I felt hot tears fall down my face as the adrenaline fell out of me as fast as the blood spilling beneath my skin. Everything hurt so bad, screaming agony shot my nerves, but everything hurt too bad to call out. Screaming would only make it worse. So I decided to breathe. I tried to count out loud but pain in my lungs made that impossible so I whispered to myself, "One.. Two.. Three.. Four.. Five.. Six."

I heard people shouting a sirens blaring and Dean's voice above it all yelling, "Mind your own business! Get back in your rooms!"

I hoped that with the people watching Steven would stop but there was no such luck. He appeared before me again and grabbed my neck so hard I could feel his fingertips digging into my neck. I felt like a hose that had just been stepped on, my body building up for release but there was none to be had. I tried to scratch at his hand but all I did was scratch at my own neck. I cried out loud and tried to kick him but it all went through air and then...Everything when dark...and all I heard was:

"Let her go!"

And the-

The knock on my window pounded through my head and forced me up so fast the only thing I could think to do was slam the door open and hit the person. A loud "oomf!" filled the air and I opened my eyes in time to see Nick doubled over in pain. I gasped and jumped out of the car, reaching my hand toward him to help him up, "I'm so sorry! I didn't know it was you! Are you alright?!"

The sun was so bright I could hardly see but it was evident that he was in pain. He groaned, clutching either his stomach or his crotch as he leaned against the car, "It's fine, it's f-...fine. I just...wasn't expecting that kind of reaction."

"Well, the pills you gave me are making me feel funny. I'm really jumpy now and what gave you the bright idea to sneak up on someone?" I snapped back, trying hard not to feel guilty and not be at fault here.

"Sneaking up on you?" he asked between a deep breath and a chuckle, "I was just letting you know the meter ran out. I didn't even know it was you, I thought it was some girl waiting for her boyfriend!"

"Well...," alright, I had run out of answers and guilt was starting to fill into me. I looked over up at him as he was starting to stand up, "Fine. I'm sorry. But what in the world are you even doing here?"

He didn't answer me, instead he pointed to the office building and then to the deli right next to the hiking store. I rolled my eyes at myself as he smirked, "Now if you're done with the fifty questions."

"I'm sorry, I've just been so...you know, jumpy! I feel like such a jerk...thanks for...telling me. I'll take care of it," I sighed as I looked through my bag for some change.

"I already took care of i- whoa there! Is that a gun?" Nick shouted in surprise, making sure to keep the last part quiet.

I slammed the bag against my chest to hide the bag but it was too late, he already saw it. I rolled my eyes, not bothering to look at him, "Yeah, Dean gave it to me. To keep me safe. Don't make such a big deal of it, I have a permit."

"Honestly, what kind of trouble does he think you'll get into?" Nick asked in disbelief, his eyes turning up and over the crowd to make sure no one has heard.

I rolled my eyes, this time at him, as I answered, "All kinds. Now if you don't mind I have something to do."

"Does that include eating your breakfast?" his tone implied that it wasn't a question as much as a demand.

"Doctors orders?" I mocked, not bothering to hide how my bad attitude because of how awful I felt, all because of him. But...it wasn't really because of him. He was just doing his job. Why did I have to be so mean?

His brown eyes, amused and dark, smiled at me in this odd crooked way I was only used to Dean giving me as he nodded, "You bet your ass. Come on. I'll get you something."

"You better not be flirting with me or think this is a date. My gun is loaded," I warned, just so he understood that Dean and I were still together and there was no way I was going to mess that up.

He laughed softly, putting his hands up in defense, "No worries. I'm using you as a tax write-off."

He managed a weak smile out of me but it wasn't much. It felt weird and misplaced, I was only used to Dean making me smile. I zipped up my bag and swung it over my shoulder, "Fine. But I'm probably not going to eat that much. I still feel like I'm going to vomit."

"That's attractive," Nick joked, adding a gagging sound that was too familiar to be amusing.

I patted my backpack and made a fingergun at him, "That's the point."

He shook his head as he guided me to the deli, "Are you always this defensive?"

I thought about that for a second. Am I? I thought back to everything in my new life, since I was liberated from the hold of my aunt and my uncle, and it was like a montage of all of my old replies. I looked up at the side of Nick's head, "Yeah...I am."

"Well, it's good to hear you're not being specifically mean to me, I think I'd cry," he said in a mocking tone. I lifted up my hand and punched him the shoulder as retrobution for his snarky comment, "Hey! Are you going to keep hurting me all day?!"

"Maybe if you keep be- Oh no. The stores going to close!" I didn't bother explaining to Nick, instead I ran to the hiking store and bursted through the door, "Are you still open?!"

"For the next five minutes, sure, what do you need?" it was a girl and despite my frustrated exterior she was very calm.

"I need one of those giant maps of the United States and then those little ones of every state. Alaska and Hawaii included," I explained, allowing myself to calm down as each word came out of my mouth.

She nodded her head and began looking through whatever was behind the counter she had previously leaned against, "No problem. You going on a trip?"

"No," I shook my head slowly, making sure not to get dizzy before the hard stuff began. "But I know someone who is."

"Oh, I know what you're doing. My girlfriend did it when her husband went on a trip crosscountry. It actually made the distance a lot easier to manage," she was talking, not really to me but in that general way that all retail people do. And the whole time I had thought it was a random idea that had popped into my mind.

"It really made a difference?" I asked, wanting to double check that she wasn't making this up and that this was an actual thing that actually worked.

She slammed all the folded up papers on the counter with a nod, "It might have saved her life."

"What's the damage?" I asked as I reached for the stack she placed in a plastic bag.

"It'll b-"

"There you are!" It was Nick storming into the store with his constantly bewildered expression. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking I wanted to get in before the store closed," I answered, not bothering to hide the annoyance I found in his fifty questions...but wait. Maybe it was karma for when I had interogated him the first time around. I saw the total on the cashregister and handed her the money from my pack before turning around to face him, "Is that a problem?"

"Yeah," he said, slowly cooling as we walked to the door, "I thought you were getting ammunition."

"Who said I wasn't?" I asked, trying not to sound so joking but his laughter made that totally impossible.

"You're joking, right?" the tone of his voice made me crack up inwardly, it was the first time anyone was ever really afraid of me.

"Who said I was?"


	7. Chapter 7

After my short breakfast with Nick I had decided that maybe human connections weren't all that horrible. True, being in the company of another guy not Dean made me uncomfortable but it wasn't so awful. He could tell how awkward I felt and he made me feel better by making me laugh and commenting on it and in the end he promised he his best friend's girlfriend was shopping for a new friend and I seemed like the perfect canidate. Even if I never wanted to hang out with Nick he would give this Gina my number in case I wanted to hang. All in all, hanging with Dr. Nick wasn't a complete bust and it made me a little more optimistic for my adventure waiting for me at hime.

When I was back at home I quickly made sure to resalt the doors and windows, lock every entry-way and set the codes back up again. I walked to the only empty room in the house and looked at it through the door way. It was meant to be some kind of...maybe studio or library kind of place but instead Dean made it into the "Devil's Trap" room. Mainly because...it had a huge devil's trap on the floor. He always told me to cover it up but there was nothing I could imagine that would cover that huge and gaudy thing. Maybe...a nursery. But no. That was stupid thinking. My new distraction would do the trick.

I took out the big map of the United States and worked klumisly to tape it against the wall. The thing was huge and just when one corner was up and I was working on the other it would all fall down on top of me. It was so bad I resorted to the nail gun for the task my scrawny tape couldn't handle. Once the map was up I used it was a guide and placed the individual maps of the states in the same sequence they're in on the globe. I even skewed it this way and that so it looked more and more like the large map on the wall.

It took a lot of work but when I was finished I stepped back with pleasure. It covered the devil's trap completely. I gave myself a little pat on the back but the little motion suddenly stirred a new pain in my stomach that wasn't really familiar to me-hunger. I allowed myself to smile, I knew this would be a good idea.

I walked to the kitchen and wondered what I should eat. I hadn't gone extensive food shopping in a few weeks but in reality I wasn't in the mood for anything heavy to eat. I just needed something to munch on until I went back to work. I glanced over my fruit bowl and grinned once I saw the ripe banana, that would be perfect. I took a seat and began to unpeal it, vaguely wondering what Dean would say if he saw me eating it.

But that was a bad idea.

Without the distraction of activity my thoughts went back to the place I didn't want to go. And there was no way I could stop it.

"Let her go!"

Was the only understandable thing I managed to make out before the blackness washed over me like a sickness. I had been positive I was dead, I was positive it was the end for me and some part of that brought me happiness. The fact that I would no longer feel pain or misery was a kind of thrilling experience. But death wasn't there to great me...not this time.

I awoke to the feeling of my body throbbing in a uniform sense of hurt that couldn't be distinguished in parts or pieces. I opened my eyes, sure I was in some kind of torture chamber, but it was Dean's frightened face that met me. I was in his arms, in the back of the Impala, as John sat in the front driving as fast as he could. Once I registered we were in motion a sick feeling washed over me and I felt like I was on fire and I was going to spit the fire out from my lungs.

"Shh, don't move, Lori."

It was Dean. I hadn't even known he saw my eyes open but there he was with his green eyes on mine, filled with so much I could never really understand. He pushed a few pieces of hair out of my face and held me tighter but a groan escaped my lips that signaled it was too tight, for right now. He instantly understood and loosened his old but still there was no release, I felt like I was going to explode.

"Dean," I tried to alert but the act of talking sent a bristle of spikes throughout my body that made speech impossible.

He must have seen it because instead of allowing me to continued he placed his finger on my lips and whispered, "Shh, don't speak...Just..rest. Just rest, Lori."

But rest was impossible with every sudden stop and quick turn and Dean's tightening grip. It was torture, worse than the death I thought would face me in the hands of Steven. I tried to think of anything to ease the pain-I could be dead, I thought to myself, this could be it-but no thought gave me comfort. There was nothing..but Dean's face. It was tough and serious as if it had never seen a smile, as if our useless chatter, awkward silence, and foolish smirks had never happened. It was like a completely different Dean in front of me. I thought...no...I thought I saw a tear.

The car suddenly came to a stop that forced a cry from my lungs because something got poked and something else got pinched and I was not in the best mood for that kind of entrance. The back door opened and before I could watch the tear fall I was in the air, against Dean, and I thought for a second maybe I would never get a chance to leave those arms and that wasn't such a bad idea.

I realized at once where we were; we stood in front of Dr. Walcott's office.

Outside stood Tamara with a wheel chair but I was being rushed past her and inside the building where John held open the elevator. I thought of being trapped inside that enclosed space filled with a terror that I couldn't face, so I didn't. I turned my face into Dean's chest and counted out the six breaths, timed against Dean's always steady heart. I wondered briefly if Tamara thought my guys were rude and that brought a little smile to my face. But there wasn't any time for smiles now.

We went straight into the office where the lights were too bright the pain had grown unbearable. I tried the trick of steadying myself against Dean's heart but suddenly it wasn't so calm anymore and I felt like a confused puppy going to get put down. As soon as the analogy came to mind it was as if someone pressed fastforward and everything began to move too fast for me to focus. Suddenly I wasn't in Dean's arms anymore and I was cold and I was in dark and I was in freezing and I thought I was going to die there. Without even saying goodbye.

Sure, everything stopped hurting like my body was turned off but my mind wasn't. My mind was alive and kicking all I could think was damn...I didn't even say goodbye to Dean. All I wanted to do was to say thank you, a real thank you for saving me and trying to save me and for making me laugh when laughter was never really apart of my life. I wanted to thank John for being the father figure I never really had but damn it I just wanted to see Dean again. I wanted to kiss him, not just be kissed, but kiss him for the first time. Even if he didn't like me. I just wanted to get that crossed off my bucket list before it was time to kick the bucket. But then I thought, people in hell want ice water. At least I had a dramatic exit.

Or did I.

The sound of laughter filled my ears that engorged me with a rage because I knew, somehow, that it was at my expense. I opened my eyes slowly but everything was still too dark and still too bright and I couldn't really focus unless I blinked over and over again, which I did. Once everything stilled I realized I was in one of Dr. Walcott's over night rooms with an IV hooked into my arm pumping in some kind of medicine that was making me feel a whole lot better. But then the thought hit me again. I was in Dr. Walcott's over night room, a place I hadn't been in a long time.

A cough got my attention and I saw that beside me was none other than Dean Winchester with a soft blush and a wide smirk. How did I not know it was him laughing? I looked past him and to my surprise saw John leaning against the door frame with the same smirk, almost identical actually, but a different kind of laugh. I was just about to rip into them when Dean's voice filled the air.

"Dad..." was the only word that left his mouth but like a soldier or a kid taking orders John instantly ducked out of the room as if he had never been there. I tried sitting up but Dean's arms where there to help me, "Not so fast.."

"What happened?" I snapped, knowing alreadt that something terribly embarrasing had occured while I wasn't myself and he was laughing at my weakness and worst of all John was too.

He sat back down in his chair and began to mock, "'All I want is to say goodbye...To see Dean. To kiss Dean. To tell Dean I love hi-,'"

"Lying asshole!" I shouted, hitting him with the air not connected to the IV. I grumbled under my breath and folded my arms over my chest as I looked away angrily. How in the world did that slip out! I must have been sleep talking, I thought, but I never sleep talk. And regardless! How rude was it for him to throw it in my face as if it were a joke...But then...to him it must have been a joke. A poor sick girl wanting to kiss him, it must be all in a days work. Nothing special. What had I been thinking?

"Lori..," Dean's voice was soft and urgent but I had made my mind to not look at him and to ignore anything he said. But then...his hands, rough and carved with new etches, touched mine and coaxed them out of their locked position. I turned my head toward him, still not letting go of my bottom lip although I was blushing-especially when I saw him doing the same, "You know...I'm used to getting attention from girls, all over the place. Girls just fling themselves at me, I mean, you know how look!..And these girls aren't ugly...they're all hot...I mean look at you! And it happens _all_ th-"

"Is there a point?" I asked through gritted teeth, suddenly finding it unbearable to listen to all his accomplishments, especially when I knew I was going to be one of them.

His face got all red again and he held my hands a little tighter in them as his eyes refused to meet mine, "Yeah...the point is...I've never met anyone like you...anyone that..has captivated me to the point that after a day and like a half of talkin' and not even touching, not even being physical, I still want more. You know? I saw you there through that windshield and I thought..if you died..if that was the end of you...I wouldn't know what to do. I'd just lose it. You're not like the other girls, Lori, and I'm not like the other Dean. I'm different around you. You make me want to be better than I am, you make me want to be a hero-"

"But you are a hero," I couldn't help but to inturrupt with watering eyes.

He gave me this smile, this smile that was timeless and yet misplaced and beautiful and uglied with hurt, as he rested his hand against my cheek, "Only to you. Lori...I-"

"I see you're awake."

Of course.

Like little children we pulled away again in the presense of Dr. Walcott. He entered the room as if he hadn't just noticed that DEAN WAS GOING TO KISS ME! But Dr. Walcott was older with an old school heart and attitude that didn't really care for the things he was interupting as long as people were getting treated and lives were getting saved. It also seemed to me that he didn't really like Dean that much, he had said he looked to me as a daughter.

"Yeah, I'm awake," was the only thing I could manage to say since my face was as red as firetruck and all the wit had been shot out of me and into Dean's one hand left holding mine.

"That's wonderful to hear. Since you haven't able to take your medicine I've had you on an extra dosage for the past four da-"

"Four days?!" I couldn't help but to scream.

Dean shot Dr. Walcott an annoyed look but John was suddenly in the room to pacify the situation with a calm, "She had to know."

"Yes, Lori, it's been four days. You were seriously injured. You've suffered a mild concussion but you know in your state any trauma to the brain can yield fatal results. Thankfully we cleared that hurtle and you scatted by with a sprained ankle and a few bruised ribs but we're not out of the woods yet. The extra dosage I've been giving you have been treating your symptoms but it appears you've already built up an ammunity to it. I'm still trying to figure out what else I can do to treat you," there it was again. That helpless, pleading look of Dr. Walcott's that told me there was no hope and I wasn't going down alone and he wasn't going down without a fight. Finally he let out a little sigh as he said, "I'm sorry about your aunt and uncle, Lori. I thought I called the guys in time."

"You called them?" I couldn't help but to ask in shock. I knew that his patients were getting haunted and slaughtered but I thought it was unbeknownst to him.

Dr. Walcott turned to John with a little half-hearted smile as he nodded then turned back to me, "We were too late with the last patient. We became aquainted then and discovered that it wasn't just cancer killing my patients. We came up with the idea to move my practice back to where it started and hope they would come in time. I'm sorry I didn't call them sooner."

"What...but...I thought you didn't find the bones. How did you get rid of him?" I asked, feeling like I missed so much with my four day coma.

This time it was John's turn to answer and stepped slightly further into the room as he did, "It doesn't just have to be bones keeping a spirit here. The Doc informed us Steven was part Native American. It clicked then that he was following the old picture Doc had in his wallet of the two of them together. Once we burned it he burned up right with it."

"Just like that?" I questioned in disbelief.

"Just like that," John repeated with a satisfied smile.

Dr. Walcott sighed heavily, a little sad, but still happy as he shook his head and mumbled, "Thank God it's over."

Yeah, thank God it's over...It's over. We're over.

The words repeated in my brain and just then everything dawned on me. The mission was over, the mission was completed, what was there left now? I turned my head to look at all of them in one shot as I asked in a voice that demanded a real answer, "What happens now?"

As if on que Doc pulled his phone out of his pocket and stepped toward the exit, "It's my wife, I have to take it."

But with the doctor gone there still was no change in the atmosphere. My question hung in the air and not even Dean's hand was on mine for comfort. I asked again, this time more forceful, "What happens now?"

John's eyes were on mine and I felt myself diminish in his authority and his law spoken in his kindest voice, "Lori. You can't come with us."

"What?" it was like he grabbed my heart and threw it in the rabbit hole. It was like the conversation with Dean never took place and to emphasis that point he stood from his seat behind me and paced away with his back to the both of us. I tried hard to keep the tears from coming out but the medicine and hurt made me weak and through gritted teeth and growled, "I have no where to go."

"We have a secure place for you to stay in Wyoming and Dr. Walcott is going to move his practice to follow you. You'll be safer there," each sentence grew closer to the end of the arguement and answered each of my protests as if they didn't exist.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, trying to keep the sadness and anger out of my voice but it was useless, "I have no one now."

John sighed heavily and I thought for a second that would be his weakness, but he was only taking a break before he pulled out the big guns, "It's not safe for you with us."

"Don't you think I should decide what's safe for me?" I couldn't help but to snap at an octive too loud for someone that had just saved my life, again.

"What you saw today was a glimpse of our day to day life. This case was a breeze compared to what we have faced. If you think for one second I'm going to allow you to get in the middle of a dog fight with no training, and no preperation you are dead wrong, Lori. If there was any other solution I would consider it but this is the only option," this wasn't nice John speaking. This was Sergeant Winchester barking orders as if I were just another helpless soldier that had no choice but to follow.

"I suppose there's nothing to it now, is there?" I asked bitterly, making a show of wiping my eyes so hard I was sure bruises were going to appear the next day.

John shook his head, glancing to Dean who had turned for the second, "No. We've made our decision."

"Have you now?" it came out of my mouth with every ounce of venom aimed toward Dean. He had this weak face as if it wasn't his choice and these hurt eyes that mirrored John's but I didn't care. How dare that bastard tell me all that sweet stuff and then leave me. How could be? John opened his mouth but I beat him to it, "Excuse me. But I think I need to rest."

"Lori," Dean's whisper was pleading and helpess but I didn't care. I turned my face in the opposite direction to hide the tears that were streaming down like loose dams.

I heard Dean's heavy footsteps followed by John's soft sigh, "We leave tomorrow."

And then they were gone. Leaving me to cry alone.

I threw away my banana peel once the grips of the latest memory had released. I wipped at my eyes as angrily as I had then, two years ago, because I hated those things. I wished that I could go back in time and shake myself out of my stupidity and swim in the moments when Dean and John were there, just an arm's reach away. I grabbed a glass of water and took a gulp to calm the cotton mouth that was new thing I wasn't used to. I walked to my room and grabbed the journal, turning to the first page as I walked back to my room of maps. I was back to my distractions. This was going to be much better.


	8. Chapter 8

I had stayed up have the night making sure not to do the opposite of thinking and remembering as I focused on my little mission at hand. I had started with my little lonely red dot in Wyoming and branched out with black dots to all the places Dean and John had left to after me. Unfortunately these went by quickly so when that was finished I circled in green areas that were visited quite often. That took a little more time since I needed to calculate just 'how much' would consider the visits as 'quite often.' But even that came to an end and when it did I took my blue marker and retraced all the major water-ways like lakes and rivers. Everything was going quite well until I got to Texas. There was somthing about that state that knocked me out on Houston and had be drewling on Dallas before a beat had passed. To my relief-and chagrin-it wasn't the dreams that invaded this momentary lapse of consciousness.

It was the memories.

The day after the unwanted confession was filled with silence. I found some pride in the fact that I was able to get all of my belongings packed into the Impala without talking to the cops or the Winchesters. I guess they assumed I was dead too. Dr. Walcott told me he needed to clear a few things up with the police that thought I was dead before he could move the entire pracitce and his family again. He needed to explain a few things to the Mrs. I guessed she wasn't too thrilled about another upheavil.

After I had said goodbye to him, for just a short while, John escorted me and Dean back to the car for our final voyage together. Just as we were getting into the Imapla though, John decided he had forgotten something and took the time to run back inside so Dean and I could have some alone time. Unfortunately it was not the thing I had wanted. The hours after finding out I was going to be disposed up I reverted back to the shell my aunt and uncle had helped me build over the years. There was no chance I was going to speak, I knew if I did I would just burst into tears and I didn't want that. I wanted John and Dean to have their last image of me angry and strong. Not blubbering and helpless.

So in all, I wasn't going to speak.

But I didn't have to.

Dean broke the silence with a weak and sudden, "This is for the best."

I didn't respond. I kept my mouth shut into a tight line and part of me thought I should give him a break but I couldn't even consider it. I was so angry and heartbroken and most of all I was an idiot. How did I get the imagine in my mind that it would be the three of us on the road battling baddies and saving goodies? With me throwing up every few miles, and Dean holding my hair, and John trying not to laugh? How did I think that sounded romantic? No. The truth was far easier to accept and understand. They were just going to move along and forget about me. It was in the job description.

But for some reason Dean wouldn't let up.

"Lori I really tried..You don't know how bad I-I fought for you, alright? But my Dad's right. You'd only get hurt with us. Don't you understand?...I can't stand to see you hurt," he sighed, digging the knife in there deep for some kind of sick pleasure. But I wouldn't give in. I kept my eyes steady on my feet and let the ground get all blury until he shouted, "Damn it, Lori!"

His shout tensed my body so suddenly shards of pain trickled in every direction. But no. I wasn't going to give in. I was going to stay strong and wait til I was alone to cry because I'd be damned if I let him get to me again. I had built up the wall and there was no room for any more surprises.

"Say something!" Dean yelled, slamming his fist against the top of the car and forcing the tears I had swallowed back out of my eyes. I turned my face away and at the sun in time to hear his voice soften and crack as he pleaded, "Say anything..please?"

"Alright! Let's move!"

It was John that came to save me from the emotional exchange that no doubt would have occured if I had said what was on my mind at that point. I maybe would have hit Dean and stayed with Dr. Walcott and it ould be over before it had properly ended with me alone in Wyoming. I jumped into the car without saying a word to either men and silently thanking the Lord that John had interupted. I heard them say something to each other but I couldn't make out exactly what it was and I wasn't exactly in the mood to ask.

John put on some Blue Oyster Cult, Burnin' For You I think it was, and flew out of the parking lot and out of the town as if he couldn't wait to get rid of me. I didn't bother putting on my seatbelt because at each turn and sudden stop I had prayed for instant death. I knew I was dramatic but I didn't care, I was pissed as hell. What did they have to rush for? Were they so eager for the new town, the new hunt, the new girl?

I let out a little growl at the thought and I didn't bother to hide it. The music was on so loud any noise I made wouldn't be heard unless someone was playing close attention-which they weren't, something I knew because of Dean's open window that vanished my tears and words. I shut my eyes because of the wind and was thankful for the chance to do so. Some tears had threatened to breach the hold of the corners of my eyes and the closing suffocated them enough for me to get controle. I had years of practice for this kind of bottling up.

But soon enough we were there and that required John to shake me from my sleep and whisper, "Lori, we're here."

I opened my eyes and blinked free the sudden sleep that had come over me. The sun was still up, to my surprise, and Dean was carrying half of my bags into the house while John was out here coaxing me out of my slumber. I stepped out of the car slowly, using his help to get out, and looked at the house, "Is this where I'll be staying?"

"Yup, and don't worry about a thing. We've got it all taken care of," he said before I could ask how much rent was or any of the grown up questions I wasn't really used to.

I nodded my head weakly as I looked over the bare house that looked so empty and unwelcoming. But I guessed it was home. I had no other real choices and it was a house that looked to have more room than I'd know what do with it. I looked to John, who had been studying the house himself, and felt a sense of longing in his presense. If only I had been born under his care, if only he had been my father. I knew I'd be safe and secure and even if I were sick I knew he'd take care of me. And maybe in another life if we had run into Dean who needed saving it would be acceptable for me to stay with him and keep him safe but that was an alternate universe way too far away. The fact of the matter was John was going to leave me and before he did I had to say it. I looked into his eyes as he looked to mine and I said, "Thank you."

He flashed me his handsome Winchester smile as he shook his head, "Don't thank me. This was all Dean's doing."

"Oh," was all I could manage and that seemed to be enough. He left me to grab the rest of the bags and I followed him inside because there was nothing left for me in the outside world. The inside was just as bare as the outside but to my surprise it was much larger than I had expected, I was thankful it was only one floor without even a basement. While Dean and John went back outside I stayed and looked around, moving in a steady circle as I held my hair, what I thought must be the livingroom. I wondered how I would begin to decorate it; I never before had to accomplish that task. I was a fairly simple person, white walls were fine with me, but still. There had to be some kind of design to wake it all up.

I heard the footsteps that meant John and Dean were back and when I glanced at them I saw they were looking at me. John took the opprutunity to explain some things I had concerns about, "Every week you'll get an evelope filled with cash in the mailbox. The cabinets and refrigerator are already full of food and if you run out town is no more than a block away. Your medicine is already here and don't worry about a thing. You're safe."

"Thank you," I shot out quickly. There was something in the way he looked at the ground that made me think he was going to leave right there before I could say it.

But he didn't leave just yet. Instead he added, "There's a security system set up. The codes are on the table."

"Bye," I sighed to his back as he turned to walk out the door.

Instead of returning it he simply smiled, "Take care of yourself."

And with that he was gone, leaving me with Dean and our silence.

I risked a glance at Dean who was staring at the floor. He was as handsome as ever and I thought that was a cruel trick to play since he was going to be leaving me in just a second. He took in a deep breath that must have given him the courage to meet my eye, but as he did I felt my heart pop out of place and I had to look away. I couldn't meet his eye before and I certaintly couldn't do it now. I heard his foot steps and I was sure it was away but suddenly I felt his hand under my chin, burning my skin as he lifted my face up. How could he? I gritted my teeth to keep back the sobs and let my eyes stay focused on the door John had left from. I heard him take in a shaky breath before whispering, "Stay safe."

But I said nothing in return.

His hand fell away and as it did so did my tears but I didn't have to worry-he didn't look back. Instead he shut the door behind him and all I could manage to do was plop myself on the floor and hold my knees against my chest to keep it from falling apart. I bit my lip hard to stop the noises I wanted to make but the tears took on a life of their own and all I could do was cry in anger and shame. I was so stupid, how could I be so stupid? I had lost everything-my aunt, my uncle, John, Dean-and the only thing I could think about were my last words to each person I had lost in my life. The only actual real goodbye was to John but it didn't mean anything because I was so stubborn. My family died and still I hadn't learned my lesson. I never learned anything.

But while I cried a strange thing was happening.

On the road Dean sat with his father in the Impala, his eyes closed and his hand laying flat against his jeans. His thoughts were all his own but from what John could see from the corner of his eyes he suspected that Dean was thinking about me. And later Dean would deny he wasn't thinking, he was remembering. He was remembering my smile, the sparkle in my eye when I laughed, the red in my cheeks when I was angry and how snippy I could be when I was hungry. Like a bear he compared me too, a very hungry bear. He remembered the soft skin of my cheek against his tough hand and the darkness that surrounded me when I refused to look at him. He rememberd most of all how much I must have hated him, and how he didn't fight hard enough.

John on the other hand was remembering someone completely different. As he looked from Dean to the road he was thinking of Mary. He was remembering how she looked at him the day he had bought the Impala and on their first ride around town in it. He was remembering how she had her eyes out the window, just like Dean had his, and at random bumps and mistakes of his she'd turn her head to look at him with a little amused smile. The smile itself, much like any of her smiles, was haunting in the secrets that were behind it. Although contagious it brought about the kind of disaster that made John's knees weak and sudden-stops frequent. It was beautiful. And it then reminded him of Dean.

It reminded him of how Dean would look at me when I said something amusing or when I guessed a correct answer or use to something they had in their arsenol. It reminded him of how Dean laughed when he was around me and how in the middle of the night, those few nights, he would wake up from slumber to see if I was still breathing. It was something Mary had done very often with him and then with the kids when they had been born. It was wonderful but then it was gone.

Dean meanwhile had his head against the seat and his eyes shut. While John was remembering good Dean was trying not to remember horrible. The way I looked when I was crying and the shudder that ran through me the last time he touched my face. He tried not to notice that I looked like I wanted to die. He tried to ignore the weight on him that gathered with every mile they drove away and instead he repeated the mantra 'It's for the best' in his mind.

It was.

And it was John's idea, something that brought a heavy weight of guilt on his shoulders. As they left the town he thought to himself, what if it was the one. What if it was Dean's true love and John was pulling Dean away. He didn't want to live with that but the thought of seeing me in the middle of action was unbearable itself. He didn't want to see Dean turn into the empty man that he was, he wanted more for his son.

And with that realization he made a sudden turn into the nearest motel. Immediantly Dean's eyes popped open with alarm, searching for a threat but when none was found he asked, "What are we doing here?"

John didn't answer just yet. Instead he parked the Impala and jumped out of the driver's seat as if he were ready to jump into a fight. He walked to the back, not waiting for Dean to join him, and popped open the trunk. He grabbed a bag and shoved into it somethings he knew he'd need, somethings that were always useful and then walked to Dean who stood at the hood of the car.

Dean leaned against it in disbelief, feeling hope swell in his chest but not wanting to feel bitter disappointment if his thoughts weren't true. He looked at his father, the man he admired and respected, the man that had raised him to be a fighter, a protector, a man, the man he hoped to be. He looked at John and who looked at Dean and saw himself on the outside but Mary on the in. Something he hadn't seen in a while.

There was no exchange of words as John handed threw the keys to Dean who caught them in one hand. Dean felt a wide smile form across his lips as he asked, "What are you gonna do?"

"Bobby has this new truck I think I wanna win in a poker game," John answered with a smile that had no weight on it, a smile that Dean hadn't seen in years.

"Thanks, Dad," Dean managed to get out before the frog in his throat made his voice weak.

John smirked, shaking his head as he walked up onto the curb, "Don't thank me yet. Nevada. Two weeks. I'll see you there."

Dean nodded his head in return, "Yes, sir," before jumping into the Impala and gunning it all the way back. He payed no mine to stop signs, red lights didn't exist. All that mattered was what would be waiting for him when he returned.

Me.

When he made it to my new house he turned off the Impala and left it in the front. He suddenly felt panic because he had returned empty-handed, not thinking to stop somewhere and get flowers. But to his relief the neighbors yard had a rose bush where he was able to get twelve roses without worrying about the thorns that stuck into his fingertips. And when he had collected it all he jogged up the steps with a nervous joy that he had never felt in all his life. He rang the doorbell and waited for my response.

But when the door bell had rung I had just gotten over my crying spell and had been working on making myself a cup of hot cocoa, something my aunt had always made me to feel better. The aromas that brought back memories along with the realization that I would never have Dean again made me bitter and unhappy. So when the doorbell rang I was too miserable to find any optimism in it. I had thought, who in the world would ring my doorbell? How dare they ring the door of someone that was dying?

Another ring.

At that moment I had become angered. I shut off the stove and stormed to the door, intent on unleashing my anger and sorrows on whoever dared to awaken me. But when I ripped open the door my mouth and my tears and my anger fell as he managed to lift me up against him.

Dean crushed me against him and I crushed his head against my chest, ignoring the pain that screamed for Dean to let go. But I couldn't let him do that. I sobbed out loud and felt my rubs ache but the pain was a comforting fact that he was real and he had really come back. There was no chance I was going to wiggle out of this embrace. But suddenly Dean's face pulled away and he lowered me to the floor and I cried a whisper, "No," because I thought maybe that was it. Maybe John was waiting in the car and this was all he would give me.

But his hands suddenly grabbed my face, his wonderful calloused hands, and held it in place as my eyes met his. He wipped my tears quickly, and gently, and I tried to clear his wet face but I couldn't work my arms around his muscles and he laughed weakly-giving me the little smile that I loved so much.

And then...

he kissed me.

For the first time, the first real time, he kissed me and my heart exploded into my chest and and sent shards on the floor to keep company with the tossed away roses. His lips against mine were smooth but rough in their action and I kissed him back the same way as if he were going to disappear in front of me. And although I was so happy I couldn't help but to cry tears of joy and happiness because in that second, that little second, I knew it.

I loved him.

And I always would.

The door bell suddenly rang, awakening me from the moment I wished was all mine again and again. As I sat up slowly everything began to creep in and I heard the phone ringing loudly and battling the doorbell for my attention. I tried to get up but I was feeling dizzy from my sudden movement and my hand was slipping into the wet puddle over Texas I had made with my slobber and my tears. I wipped at my face and suddenly felt another round of telephone and doorbell and then my heart got into it.

I remembered suddenly what Dean and John had mentioned about electrical malfunctions that could be caused by some kind of baddie...especially at night. I pulled out of the corner of the room a gun I had hid beneath a floorboard for emergencies. I cocked it and slowly began to walk through the house, using the noise to cover any sound I would make. I glanced at the clock on the oven: 11:43.

Too late for visitors.

I unlocked the door and slowly began to open it as the answer machine suddenly picked up but suddenly the door was pulled from my grin and my gun fell to the floor and I was in the air without missing a beat, jumping into the arms of noneotherthan my Dean Winchester.

I held onto Dean's face between both of mine so tight and kissed and kissed at his face and his head and his lips and his nose and his skin and his chin and everything that I could as his arms tightened around we with no fear of hurting me. We crushed into each other so hard we created one person in the process with him kissing me and me kissing him and my tears pouring out in every direction.

We didn't bother with the voice on the machine and I didn't bother to get a better footing as I wrapped my legs around his waist and he didn't bother to stop kissing me as he shut the door behind him with one foot. And the gun and the roses? His heavy boots crushed the petals on our way to the bedroom and for the first time, in a long time, I was alive again.

I was with Dean.


	9. Chapter 9

On his chest my brain was filled with the sound of his beating heart. I listened to it hit and pound against his breast bone and the sound that called me beckoned me closer and closer and when my head could go no further my hands took over. I drew little paterns on his skin and in calligraphy wrote all over "I love you."

And when my fingers would pause he'd take up the mantel and run his own through my hair. But his other hand wasn't still. He used it to rub my back and pull me closer while his lips kissed my temple and my arms wrapped around his middle and the tips of his fingers followed the path my hair laid out against my arm.

This was the resting period, after the initial romp and before the next, where we would look into each others eyes that shined from the moon coming in through the window. While his fingers began a journey across my face I used my eyes to work paint across his features. I memorized his beautiful mug filled with new bruises and scars that always seemed to make him look even better.

"How long?" I asked, not wanting to elaborate. I didn't want to put it out in the air my real question: how long will you be mine?

He let out a heavy sigh that showed how annoyed he was to answer that question, right now, but I needed to know. He dropped his hand and his eyes onto my mouth as he answered, "Til morning..I've got Sammy waiting in some cheap motel for me to come back an-"

I couldn't look at him anymore. I pushed his hand away by turning my face inward and trying not to cry. I didn't want to ruin our limited time but crap, it was only eight hours. I felt his arms get tense and his shoulder move under my face which meant he was going to do something, to break me.

"Lori...tell me," he whispered, his hands snaking through my wall to grab my face and hold it still. I didn't want to look into his eyes but the way he held my face and the softness in his voice. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Tears began to burst from my eyes as Dean pulled my face closer and kissed at my lips and at my cheeks and around my face. I wrapped my arms tight around his neck and held him close as sighed, "Dean...I just miss you so much.."

"I miss you too, Baby," he smiled weakly in a little hoarse voice but it wasn't a real smile. His eyes were sparkling but they weren't happy, I knew the difference.

"I just..-I feel so lost with out you. I just don't know what t- I have nothing without you because I'm here and your there an- I don't know. All I do is think about you and I keep having these horrible, horrible nightmares about you and they keep getting worse and worse!" I cried out, feeling so guilty because I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to make him feel bad about the wonderful things he's been doing to save lives.

He used his hand to wipe my face and he asked, "What are these nightmares?"

"What are these nightmares?" he asked.

I explained them to him as best as I could without crying. I explained how they started off as little dreams, segments in a dream that hardly mattered, and then they began to build up speed and momentum and then suddenly it was all I could see when I closed my eyes. Him and the Swat team and the woman all beated and bloodied to the point that I couldn't sleep at all, not one bit, because I didn't want to see it anymore.

"Oh, Lori...sweetie...baby...," he held me tight and let me cry in his arms as he wrapped me in his comfort. "It's just a dream...just a dream. It won't happen...I mean..I have nightmares about you too."

"You do?" my eyes looked up to his for conformation and sure enough there it was in his eyes.

"Yeah," he sighed heavily. His hands ran back through my hair while his arm caressed my back all over again, "Every night. Why do you think I'm always watching Sammy sleep and seeing him with his nightmares..It's because I'm staying up and thinking of you..."

"Why don't you ever call me?" I snapped with an attitude that vanished as soon as he began to smile the smile that promises a laugh.

"I just don't want to wake you," he answered, pushing a piece of my hair behind my ear as he smirked, "I always picture you sleeping..in bed...naked."

I slapped at his chest weakly, "Dean!"

"Oh come on!" he laughed, holding onto me, "But honestly. It's just nightmares...created by our lo-..our loss. And our fear of losing each other. It's alright."

I had to admit that did sound reasonable. He began to chuckle softly as he ran his thumb across my lips. I looked up into his eyes but I caught something...there was something he was gaurding. I wanted to ask him but I knew he wouldn't tell me, especially not now. Instead I kissed his cheek and demanded, "I want you to call me."

"I do call you," he defended without missing a beat.

I couldn't help but to let out a little laugh as I explained, "No...I want you to call me so I can answer."

"Lori," he groaned but it wasn't the kind of annoyed groan I used when I didn't want to take my medicine. This was a real groan like he was truly upset and truly distraught, "You know we can't do that. Anyone...anyone could find you just by looking at the phone records. And what about Sam?"

"What about Sam?" I protested with frustration, "I know your Dad, all his Hunter buddies that live in the area..and I don't know your brother? I'm going to have to meet him one day."

"But it's not the right time," he shot back just as quick. I gave him my _Dean, don't be an idiot_ look but he didn't keep his eyes on me long enough to get the full impact. Instead he looked away and explained, "He just loss Jess..I don't think he could handle knowing that I..I have you and he has nothing."

There.

He always knew how to get me.

I turned back into him, leaving my lips onto his shouler as he held me tighter. There was no way I could dispute his defense. I knew that in the back of his mind Dean was thinking, what if the roles were reversed? But still...I wanted to talk to him. I needed to have my way. I waited a few seconds until he thought the conversation was over and then I rolled on top of him and pinned him down-well, as best as I could since I was so weak but he got the point and kept me up with his hands on my waist-as I demanded, "Then just at night. When you have your nightmares."

"Oh, Lori," he groaned again but I grinned because I could already see in the weakness of his face that he was already caving in.

"Do you _never_ want to talk to me? Is that it?" my question wasn't fair, I knew that but still.

"That's not fair, you know I do," he said. I could see in his eyes, in his little scowl, that he was beginning to get frustrated. Usually that was when I backed up because I hated to fight with him but this was different. Plus there were those rare occasions when these things turned into...better things.

"Then what is it? You're afraid the big bad demons are going to get me while I'm locked in my castle with ten guns hidden in various places, a devil's trap hidden in every room, salt lining every crack and a constantly updating security system?" I asked, raising my eyes for emphasis. Although I understood that everything was meant to protect me...it still was a little...much.

I expected a sheepish shrug but his face stayed serious, "Lori, this isn't funny. You know anything can ha-"

"Anything can happen? Like me staging a hunger-strike until you let me answer a call?" I smirked. I would feel guilty for pulling this kind of thing, especially since I could see how he reacted to that threat, "I wont know but still...Two months? I can't do another two months with no word from ou. I...I need to talk to my best friend."

"Speaking of best friends," he coughed in a tone that said I had lost my arguement and emphasizing it by letting go of my waist so I could fall back down and lose my hold over him, "Who the hell is Nick?"

Nick! Was that who had been calling me? I looked over at Dean to answer but suddenly the furious look on his face forced a laugh out of my throat.

"What's so funny? This ain't funny! He better be gay!" Dean shouted, turning on me as he shifted and got on top.

I ran my hand up through his hair, trying to calm myself but his expression and continual rants had gotten the best of me. I shook my head and got out, "Dr. Walcott's son! The doc's been sick so he's taking over all the patients. He's a real hard ass, he calls to make sure I ate or took my medicine which sucks. I'm taking a new batch of pills that just suck."

"He's doin' my job," Dean muttered angrily, not to me of course but just in general. "A little too well to be calling at...when was it? 12?"

"It was at 11:43 and he knows about you and I said I'd shoot him if he tried anything," I tried to get out as seriously as I could but he was tickling me and I couldn't get it out.

"You said that did you? Good girl," he grinned, stopping enough to kiss me on my neck and make me laugh even more.

I slapped at his back and his arms to get him off but it didn't really work, "I learned from the best now stop!"

At my command his hands went limp and instead he rested on me with no signs of moving, "As you wish."

"Dean!" I groaned, trying to push him up off of me, "Ugh, you're crushing me!"

"I'm not gonna get off of you," he smirked, "Not until you listen to me."

"Fine," I huffed, letting my arms rest on his back, "What do I need to listen to?"

"I can't risk anyone tracking you-"

I growled as I tried to push him up, "Dean! I don't care! You've been making all the decisions for two years concerning what kind of danger I can handle and I've had head enough! I'm standing up n-"

"But you're not standin' up, darling. You're layin' dow-"

"Shut up! I'm putting my foot down and I'm saying if you're going to keep this up and if I'm looking forward to another two months then we have to talk...at least once a week. Call me on the green phone this week and next week I'll call you on the blue phone and I'll switch it off every now and then," I grinned, satisfied with my well thought of solution..but then I started to think...maybe I'm being a dictator. So I added weakly, "Does that sound fair?"

"No!" he shouted, forcing a burst of laughter out of my heart. He grinned and kissed at my cheek and neck, "But I guess I can live with it. I can never win with you."

I shook my head, trying not to laugh anymore, "Nope. Not even when you're on top."

He let out the laugh that I loved so much and kissed me softly on the lips in that way that made my cheeks get all red. He whispered against my mouth, "You know you drive me wild right?"

I nodded my head and smirked, "I know."


	10. Chapter 10

"-m sorry Sam but I'm not leaving yet. It's only two AM...Come on you know the fun doesn't start until three...You didn't meet this one...Yeah...I met her..at a bar...I know...use protection...Alright. I'll be there at 12...I don't know rent a porno!...Bye."

It was Dean's voice that woke me, sounding different because of the sudden gaurd I hadn't heard in a while. I blinked my eyes, trying to get the sleep out, and saw Dean sitting on the edge of the bed and facing the wall. It was then that I realized that I had fallen asleep. What an idiot. I only had so much time with Dean left and what I was doing with it? And what was he doing? I asked, still slightly half asleep, "Who was that?"

"Sam," he answered quickly, making sure to place his phone back on the night stand before turning around to face me.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked, a little concern by the fact that I was wasting our time and didn't seem to mind.

"I didn't want to wake you," he answered, leaning in to touch my chin, "I've been meaning to tell you, babe, you looked a little like shit and I thought you could use some beauty sleep."

I gasped and pushed his hand away, trying not to laugh and trying to look upset as I crossed my arms. But he began to pull them apart and apologize. I wasn't really upset. We always said that when the other person looked a little too worn out by the distance on our meetings. It was a secret pep thing that secretly said _Hey, my love. I know it's tough..I know it's hard. But I'm here now. It's going to be alright._

"You know I didn't mean it!" he laughed, making sure to hit all my tickle spots as I tried to push him away, "Say you forgive me!"

"Fine! Fine! I forgive you!" I hollard, kicking him as I did.

Instantly, thankfully, he stopped and put on his signature show stopper smile as he asked, "Show me where the kitchen is?"

I couldn't help but to crack a smile, "You know where the kitchen is."

"Yeah...," he drawled out, looking to the side before meeting my gaze, "But will you show me?"

I shook my head, just because of the tone he used to make me feel like an idiot, but still began to sat up. I got up from the bed and suddenly realized how weird I felt...so different and good. I let out a long yawn and stretchd at the same time to bathe in the wonderful feeling, like I had been so well rested and that's when I realized I didn't have a nightmare.

A growl disturbed me from my stretching and I turned around to see Dean sitting on the bed with a pillow on his lap, "You're evil, Lori."

I dropped my arms over my chest with a gasp, "You pervert! I didn't say you could watch m- Hey!"

I picked up the pillow he threw and tossed it back at him, of course he caught it, "You know exactly what you're doin'."

I grinned as I grabbed his shirt-that had somehow managed to find it's way onto the lamp-and pulled it on, "I will admit to no such thing."

He slipped into his boxers as he walked toward me, "Hate to break it to you but we ain't in a court of law. That's not gonna work."

"Well I'll just have to resort to violence then," I nodded confidently but suddenly his arms got around my waist and he lifted me up and I shouted, "Hey!"

"You know I love the way my shirts look on you," he smirked as he pressed his forehead against mine and held me in close.

I laughed softly, leaning up to kiss at his lips as I replied, "But you love the way it looks on the floor even more?"

His face fell into a little pout, "I take it I've used that one before?"

Instead of answering and I pecked at his lips and slipped out of his grip but somehow his arm found it's way around my waist while his other hand found it's way into mine. I squeezed his fingers tight with mine, trying to hurt him but of course it didn't work. His hands had built up protection that wouldn't allow any harm to come to them.

"What's this?" he suddenly asked, pulling me to a complete stop.

I glanced into the room and blushed with embarrasment, realizing it was my room with all the maps. I answered sheepishly, "It's my project."

"At least it covers up the devils trap," he mumbled before turning to me to ask, "What are you tracking?"

I kept my eyes straight ahead as I answered, "You."

For some reason that got a good laugh out of him and he let his hand on mine squeeze my fingers back-hurting me of course-as he asked, "When d'you start?"

"Today. Just this afternoon," I sighed, looking at all the things that were already done, "It's keeping me busy but I don't know what to do when I'm done."

"You can give us some tips. You know the signs, start looking up the places you think we'll head to next and if you get it right I'll give you a prize," he offered, his studying eyes taking in the scene.

"Oh, really?" I asked, falling into his bait. He knows I can't resist a good competition, "What's the prize?"

His eyes fell down and landed on mine, green and brilliant and matching his dynamite smirk, "That's to be determined. Now come on, I'm starving."

I nodded with a smile, making sure to pull him along through the house because knowing him he'd stop at every corner to see what new thing I'd done. In the kitchen I let him go and walked into the middle turned to him, motioning in general to the place, "Tell me what you want. I just went food shopping since my new meds have given me a huge appetite."

"Ohhh, that sounds promising," he grinned, crossing the space to me in two quick steps. He grabbed my wrists and pinned me against the counter as he asked, "What are you hungry for?"

I shot back quickly with one of his own lines, "Are you on the menu?"

"I was just about to ask the same thing," he replied, leaning in to place a deep kiss on my neck. I shook my hands out of his hold and wrapped them around his neck, making sure to run my fingers up through his hair in the way that he liked. He purred like a little kitty and asked, "What am I gonna do with you?"

I turned my face in toward his with a blush, "I have a few ideas."

He pulled back then and asked with a raised eyebrow, "Is that so?"

I nodded my head, making sure not to do it too hard because I was still enjoying the feeling of him pushing my hair behind my ear, "Yup but they'll have to wait til three. Everyone knows that's when the fun begins."

He lowered his head as his arms encircled me, his lips against my ear he whispered, "You slay me."

I laughed softly and leaned my head against his, "What do you want?"

"Are you on the menu?" he asked quickly, making me smile. It was his favorite line.

"You already have me, Dean," I huffed, turning my head slightly away as if I were annoyed by the constant answering of this question.

He his hand reached up to my chin and turned my face back into his direction. His eyes turned serious on me, cold and hard, like all the playfulness had left the kitchen, "Do I really?"

I knew what this was. Stupid Nick had made him jealous and he was questioning me, if I was his only. Dean of course was horrible with saying things out loud and confrontations that required too much talking or crying or anything like that. I'd have to give that asshole Nick a stern talking to for this one. But I had no reason to worry or feel guilty. I reached my hands up and grabbed onto his face, my palms jumping for joy at the prick of his stumble as my mind screamed _I love you, I love you, I love!,_ "Always, and forever."

His playful smile came back and he lifted me up into the air against my will, "Suddenly I've lost my appetite."

"So what do we do now, Dean Winchester?" I asked, seeing his eyes get the fire I loved so much to see. Only because I know it burned just for me.

"Oh, I got some ideas...and I am not waiting until one,"He shouted, throwing me over his shoulder in the process. me up and threw me over his shoulder.

I yelled and hit his back, "Dean! Put me down!"

He laughed that evil laugh of his, "Oh don't worry. I will!"


	11. Chapter 11

"What's a four letter word for handsome?" Dean asked as I worked meticulously to fry up some eggs and bacon and sausage and a roll to fit it all in. I glanced at him at the kitchen table with a little smile. His brows were furrowed in focus as he worked on the crossword puzzle he always tried to finish when he was here. He had been working on it for about eight months but I didn't have the heart to tell him he wouldn't finish it.

"I don't know...," I sighed, pretending to be in deep thought, "Dean?"

"Hey...," he grinned, placing the pen against his teeth like he always did when he was being cute, "Don't start something we don't have time to finish."

I looked back at the food that was under my care. We didn't have time to finish this, we didn't have time to finish anything. I grabbed a plate and placed the roll open, making sure to carefully place the egg, then the bacon, then the sausage before folding it up. I continued to ignore his comment as I placed his plate before him but I knew he was expecting me to say something but I couldn't. I walked to the fridge and pulled out the milk from his coffee but suddenly his arm shot out around me and pushed the door closed. I turned around quickly and looked up at him as he pushed me against the fridge.

"Dean, what are you doing?" I asked, not being able to hide the smile that suddenly turned sour as I added, "What happened to not starting something we can't finish?"

"I don't want to leave things..with you frowning," he sighed against my hair, taking the time to push back all the stray pieces that ran into my face.

"Then don't leave," I couldn't help but to snap. He pulled away from me, sending me into freezing cold, as he tried to mask the pain on his features. I ran behind him and wrapped my arms around his middle, keeping my face pressed against his back as I mumbled, "Atleast until you finish what you're starting."

He turned back around to look at me and smirked, "You know, there are a couple of things I'd like to try...but they only take a minute a piece."

I frowned instantly at that comment but he turned around in my arms and lifted my chin up.

"Cheer up Charlie," he smiled, holding my face in his hands and squishing it a little to make me laugh, "You know you got me."

I couldn't help but to grumble, "Yeah..atleast until you're done with breakfast."

"Lori...we've talked about this...," he frowned. It was true. We did talk about this, I thought as I laid my head against his shoulder and rested his against my head.

"I'm sorry, Dean," I apologized, letting a few tears fall down because he couldn't see them. "I just...I miss you so much when you're away."

"I miss you too, Baby," he whispered, stroking my hair as he held me close. I took in a deep breath, almost at the same time he did, to try and memorize the moment for future reference. I didn't want my Dean to leave and I didn't want to have to wait another two months before he'd arrive at my door step. I wanted to be with him, out on the road, kicking ass, being the girl he deserves, and most importantly being healthy. I wanted so much for us. But then he began to pull away as he said, "I'll call you. I really will, I'll tell you about the nightmares too. I promise."

I looked up at him, unable to hide my smile, "Really?"

He nodded his head and gave me the weak little gaurded smile he did when he was leaving, "Really, really. I promise."

With that it was understood. There'd be no more discussion for the rest of breakfast. I walked him back to his seat and went back to making his coffee the way he liked it. I got myself a grapefruit, a suggestion of doc jr.'s, and began to eat it slowly as Dean scarfed down his meal. It wasn't that he was trying to rush; he just ate very fast. But the whole time he ate I made sure to look at him studying the puzzle, eating his food, making a mess, and tried not to think of him leaving. I tried not to think...this is it. But by the time he was finished I was hardly half way done with my fruit-not that it mattered, I didn't feel much like eating anyway.

But we had our ritual to undergo. I scooted my chair closer to his and rested my head against his shoulder while he wrapped his arm around me and kept me close. We held hands and traced lines on our palms and tried to remember the little things that would keep us smiling when everything else had turned to shit. Atleast, that's how he described it the first time we set this system up. For twenty minutes we sat there in the company of each other's heartbeat and the looming dread that washed over us as second by second ticked by. We didn't say it out loud but any of these days could be our last, him fighting the war at home and me fighting the war in my body. A wrong move could get him killed and with me...any second my body could just give up fighting. That's what we understood and that's what we didn't want to admit. But even so we still had these moments to reflect back on.

After the twenty minutes were up we stood from our position. In silence he helped me clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes, making sure to not stop touching me the whole way through. When we were done with the dishes, with my back against the sink, he took my hands and held them between us as he kissed my fingertips one by one and I kissed his knuckles that always got the bad end of the trouble his mouth started. We walked together to the door and there I picked up the roses that we had forgotten while he picked up the gun. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow, I knew there was so much he wanted to say, but he just rested it on the little table while he got a vase filled with water and brought it to me. I placed the roses inside the vase and left on the little table in the entry way beside my gun, figuring that I'll take care of it when he was gone.

But why did he have to leave?

He wrapped his arms around my waist just as I began to feel my eyes prickle and guided me outside. We walked down step by step to the Impala and I thought back to the promise inside that I made: I wasn't going to cry. But with each step that promise crumbled and the tears were flowing just like they always did.

When we got to the Impala he pushed me against it and held my face in my hands tight and I grabbed at his shirt and held on like I never wanted to let go. He kissed me then and I kissed him back but this kiss was much different from the ones inside. The ones inside were gentle and nurturing, more giving than anything else, but these were raw and brutal and they tried to absorb and swallow and release the pain, the anger, the fear, the anguish that was building up the closer we got to him living away. My lips pressed hard and his pressed harder, threating to make blood pour but it never did. We were rough only because these kisses where last few feats of a burning flame..and our seconds were trickling down to zero.

Dean finally pulled away but I wasn't ready. I reached my hands up and pulled his face back to mine, holding onto his hair as we kissed good and long and when I pulled away next I was back against his mouth as if there was no chance of release. But this was just the death dance of our love and no matter how hot it got outside there was no chance of brining this back in. We pulled apart and finally our burning flame was just a dying ember. I gave him one last gentle kiss before walking him to his side. He got into the driver's seat and started the Impala while I leaned into the window.

There were so many things I wanted to say then but I knew that it was against the rules-although unspoken these rules couldn't be broken because they would end our relationship. For the second I took to look into his eyes the tears stopped and the thoughts ended but they came right back up when he leaned in and kissed me gently again. He reached his hand into my hair and pushed it behind my ear as I smiled, "I'm gonna miss you, Baby."

"I'm going to miss you too, Babe," I replied in the little whisper my voice would allow.

He kissed my forehead, making me smile because he knew those kisses were my second favorite, "Stay strong, and stay safe."

"Right back atcha," I winked, hiding my tears in the fake smiles I had grown up using. He saw this, saw that I was hiding, and he coaxed me back out with another kiss, our last one, one last passionate, raw time. Then I pulled away and walked to the sidewalk to wait for him to wave goodbye. One of us at to pull the plug or else the other would stay there dragging out this death dance, and it wasn't fair. I waited on the sidewalk and honked three times and then he was gone.

I held myself together long enough to go inside the house. I shut the door then and plopped down on the ground like I always did and started to cry where he couldn't see. Why was it that each visit got shorter and shorter and harder and harder to say goodbye? That day I spet in bed numb and restless no matter how much medicine I took. I wished for those nightmares to come because I wanted the fear to replace how empty and sad I had become. I wanted to feel something, anything again.

But it didn't work. Sleep was just empty black that disolved into moments of radiating light and then back into nothing. It was just me rolling around the bed we once shared and trying to find someone that was gone, someone that could never truly be mine. After a while though I stood. I wasn't sure what time it was but it was dark, very dark, and I wasn't sure why I was standing. And then I remembered I forgot the locks and the saltlines.

I went back through the house, reapplying the lines where they needed to be and putting in the codes and locking all the doors. For some reason I didn't feel so safe in my home anymore, not without Dean there to protect me anyway. I sat down at the kitchen table and stared into the empty space that had once been taken up by my love. My eyes were still watery but the try tears on my lashes created a barrier that wouldn't let them fall. I closed my eyes and put my shirt up to my nose, it smelled like him, like magic.

I tried to think of what he would be doing now with Sam. I tried to think of the third degree Sam would give him and just in general tried to think of what Sam was like. I though that maybe if Sam knew I existed he'd give Dean a longer leash and they could both visit me from time to time. I thought if he knew they'd both be here in my kitchen...I opened my eyes to check but it was only me in the darkness again.

I stood then from the table and decided to walk back to my room. I laid on the bed and closed my eyes, not sleeping but just being. I took in deep breaths, six, and tried to absorb what was left of him in my room. I prayed for a dream...so I could see him one more time.

But it wasn't what I was expecting.


	12. Chapter 12

_**The Swat team broke the door as if it were a latch on a lunch box. The team worked their way, boot by boot, past blood hand prints on the wall that indicated where they would lead to. They found their way to the woman crying with dead eyes that had new found hope. She was bloody and beaten and tied down and indicated to the team where the monster was. In the other room. They rushed to the next room and had him at gun point before he even made a move. They forced him to turn around and with blood on his palms and a knife in his hand he raised them. He was Dean Winchester. **_

_**The Impala pulled into the gas station on a day that was oddly bright and sunny, the guys had been so used to dreary road life they almost forgot what true sun was like. Dean spoke to a distracted Sam with his eyes focused on his phone. Dean mentioned that he was in aww at the fact he continued to keep in contact with his friends from college.**_

_**It was Sam tied down in what appeared to be a dungeon or sewer or both but either way he was beaten and held back while he listend to the blashphomy reaking from Dean's mouth. The words that flew out in a stream of horror were heart-breakingly false but what was the reason he was saying them? Why was he lying? **_

_**His mouth came to a close that appeared to be the end of the rant but then his lips formed a soft and wicked-not-Dean smile and said, "I bet you don't even know about Lori." **_

The sound of intense ringing in my ears woke me from my slumber with a start. I jumped out of bed and looked around with fear, wondering what it was and wondering if I should I thank the noise. I looked around and suddenly found it was Dean calling! I rushed and answered the phone for a listen, "Hello?"

"Lori?" it was Dean's voice and he sounded the way he sounded on the phone when talking to Sam, serious and in search of danger.

"Dean?" I asked even though I knew it was him already. I had just been in shock by the fact that he had actually talking to me and that he actually let me answer.

"Lori?" he repeated in a mock horrified voice that forced a laugh out of my throat. He sighed happily, "Man, I miss that laugh."

"Shut up," I snapped from embarresment. I couldn't believe myself, I was reverting back to the first stages of our relationship when I told him to shut up at every compliment.

"Fine, fine. But how're you? You don't so good?" he asked, letting the concern drip into his voice.

"Nightmare. Horrible, horrible nightmare, and I just miss you so much," I spat out in one breath. I didn't want to say that, what I wanted to say was that I had a bad dream but everything else was fine. My mouth just never gave me a chance to think before it acted.

I heard a heavy sigh fall over the reciever and I could almost imagine it falling across my face, "I miss you too."

"What happened with Sam?" I asked softly, deciding it would be better off if we didn't get into such deep things at the moment.

"He bitched me out a bit when I got back but that was it. I didn't get grounded," he muttered, making me laugh again as I laid backwards onto my bed. "Oh, how I miss that la-"

"Dean!" I snapped, trying not to laugh anymore than I had to. "Let's be serious. Where are you off to now?"

"Well, now, we're headin' to Lake Manitoc in Wisconsin. A girl drowned in that Lake and her body's missing. Sounds like our kind of case," he rattled off in that 'hunter' voice he used when he was 'in the zone.'

"A girl?" I drawled out, putting on my jealous girlfriend voice, "Well, is she pretty?"

He groaned like a little schoolboy in trouble, "Well I don't know, she's dead!"

"Yeah, and what about the zombie-chick in New Orleans? You said she was dead too and next thing I heard you almost became her zombie bride," I pressed. He laughed his wonderful laugh and I mocked, "Oh, how I miss that laugh."

"You shut it. Now, tell me about this nightmare you had," Dean probed in his trying-not-to-probe voice.

I sighed, "I don't want to tell you, it's way too scary."

"Come on, Lor, you can't hold it in," he continued.

"Fine...fine. Well...it always starts out the same. A Swat team comes into this house...and it's a really big house. And they go through it and then they find this girl and she's tied up! And she's hurt, she's been beaten and she's all bloody! And then the Swat team goes into another room and there's...it's...it's you. You're one that did it. Your hands are covered in blood and you have a knife and you look so scary! And then it got worse last night and it jumped and it was you and Sam-and does Sam really have brown shaggy hair?-he's tied up in this horrible place and you're saying these mean and horrible things and then you say...'I bet you don't even know about, Lori,' and then I woke up and answered the phone," I spat out as quickly as I could so I didn't have to think about it any longer. I opened my eyes and suddenly saw that the sky outside was much lighter than it had been last time I woke up and that dawn was fast approaching. But Dean still hadn't answered, "Dean?"

"Yeah, he does have brown shaggy hair," he confirmed but tried to explain, "You probably saw a picture of him somewhe-"

"I didn't!" I protested, not really sure why I felt so strongly about this.

"Then I don't know what it could b-"

"Dean," I groaned, hearing the anxiety in his voice that I hated to hear. I pulled his shirt up over my nose and sighed, "I probably did see a picture somewhere."

"Lori," he still had the tone in his voice that I hated but he tried to calm, "I really miss you, Babe."

"I miss you too, Baby," I smiled, hoping he could hear the smile because I really meant it with all of my heart. I really missed him.

"What are you plannin' on doing today?" he asked, sounding more even toned than he had before but it still wasn't the happy voice I was expecting.

"I don't know. Take a shower. Eat some breakfast. Go back to the map and finish putting in everything. Maybe look up some stuff and get that bet going. I don't know..see where the wind takes me," I answered, trying to sound as nonchalaunt as possible.

"Hmmmmm, shooower," Dean syruped out of his jaw, creating the image of him with his slack grin and the fire that's just being brought to light.

"Shut up," I laughed, folding my arm over my chest as I closed my eyes and remembered where these kind of talks often lead to.

"Okay. I've got to go now, babe. Sam's waking up. I'll leave you a message later and DON'T answer," he ordered.

"Fiiiiine," I sighed trying not to smile but finding it impossible not to do it, "Bye, Dean."

"Bye, Lor," he said in a soft voice before hanging up the phone.

I waited a few seconds, listening to the dial tone before I hung up myself. Even though he was gone, on his way to Lake Where-Ever I couldn't shake the growing optimism budding inside my chest. I looked out across the room and through the window. Maybe I'd start decorating the place finally. Maybe I'd go out for a walk or a run. Maybe I'd take over the world...well...not that. But the point was I could do anything...with or without Dean.

Preferably with him.


	13. Chapter 13

The library was quiet and stuffy which was pretty much like every library I have ever been in. Stepping in for the first time, though, I couldn't help but to cringe as I noticed the dust that traveled in clouds through the sunlight. It wasn't that I was a "clean freak," but my aunt definitly was and if there was ever anything she instilled in me it was a fear of _dust._ I held my laptop against my chest as I looked around the large place that looked more like a cathedral than an actual library. For a second I wanted to hesitate and cancel my search for paranormal activities but a passing shiver through my spine reminded me of Dean's promise for a prize...maybe I could get away with more time together or something like that.

"Excuse m-?"

A scream escaped my lips before I had time to determine that noise in my ear was an actual voice and before I could see who had spoken the laptop began to slip through my fingers and I had to sweep it up into my arms like a baby. The poor thing kind of was my baby, it had gotten me through lots of painful experimental procedures and when my hair had fallen out it had gotten me through a lot of alone time. When my bag and my laptop were secure I took the time to look up and see who had frightened me...but I wish I hadn't.

An older woman stood beside me with curly red hair and a very...glittery cat-friendly cardigan. But worse than the embroided cat that must have gone along with every outfit was the scowl she held on her bird like face. She finished her sentence, "Would you like some assistance?"

"Uh..Yeah..I mean yes. I was wondering if I could connect to the internet access. I have a lot of research I need to get done," I tried to answer the way I though Dean or John would answer. They had often explained that a heavy 30% of the job was research while the other 70% were split-up between luck, muscle, and good-ol' stupidity.

But by the way her face had not changed it's position I could tell I didn't really do a good job. They must get away with murder with ladies like her. She asked in a stubborn voice, "Do you have a library card?"

"No?" I answer, wondering if that was the wrong or the right answer.

"You need a library card," she said and by the way she did I could tell I answered the wrong way.

"Oh...Can I make one?" I tried to smile as politely as I could but older folks never saw me as the sweet type or the charasmatic type, which unfortunately were the only kinds that ever got anything done.

She looked me over, making sure that her judgement was visible in the dim lighting, "Unfortunately, Stacy isn't here and Stacy is the only one with the patience to deal with that process."

"There isn't a visit-"

"The last person we let borrow a 'Visitor's Pass' attempted to download confidential files from the FBI," she interupted in a dismissive tone. _Don't overreact, Lori_, I thought to myself but I knew it was impossible for me to continue to take this beating that I obviously didn't deserve. "It looks like you won't be able to do your little 'research' today."

Bitch. I rolled my eyes and snapped, "Hey, lady I-"

"It looks like you just can't keep yourself out of trouble, can you?" The voice was unmistakable. Nick. I snapped my head around with narrowed eyes with the intention of chewing him out for the late night phone call but I was stopped by the sound of the mean-old-cat lady...purring? He gave her a smile that I had never seem him used before and in a rather charming voice he smiled, "Don't worry, Gerty, she's a friend of mine. She can borrow my card 'til Stace gets here."

The thought of having him 'come to the rescue' filled me with the nausiouness Dean's presence banished. I wanted to deny his help but...when dealing with this 'Gerty' I supposed being a member of the female race would get me no where. Gerty looked between us but I made sure to shoot her an unmistakable 'as if' look that I learned specifically from Cher. I stormed away from her, deciding if she was going to treat me like the kind of girl she hated then I would act like the kind of girl she hated. I turned the corner and walked to the furthest table in the back, hidden by the bookcases so no one could find me.

I placed my bookbag next to me and laid my laptop flat on the desk top. I didn't bother to wait for Nick as I turned it on, typing in my password and setting up the access that only needed his library card number and pin. Nick's hand slammed the card beside me but I didn't jump, he didn't scare me one bit. I took up the card and typed in the information as quickly as I could before flicking the card back at him. I could here a very audible groan from his chest as he asked in some sort of tone, "Did I do something wrong?"

"As a matter of f-"

"Shhhhhhh!" The voice belonged to Gerty but I didn't bother her giving her any acknowledgment.

Instead I rolled my eyes to myself and stared up at Nick as I continued in a lower voice, "-act you did. Just because Dr. Walcott's sick and you're the new doc in charge doesn't give you the right to call my house any time you feel it pleases you."

"Oh, sorry, did I interupt your nightly self-loathing ritual?" his comment was accompanied by an all-knowing smirk that filled me with such anger I knew I was seconds from smacking it off of his face. But I didn't.

Instead I calmly smiled, "Not that it's any of _your_ business how I spend my nights but I was with Dean and your little 'checking in' bit nearly cause-"

"What? A fight in the love nest?" there was judgment in his eyes that I didn't understand. What was he trying to say?

"What are you trying to say?" I asked, deciding I better not leave it up to myself to figure it out.

His stance changed from one of confidence to one of uncertainty. He began to slouch a bit and the arms that were once firmly crossed over his chest lowered over his abdomin and didn't look so strong anymore, "I'm trying to say...look...I don't care what Dad says about him protecting us but my best friend was in the army for most of his life and even weekend-warriors don't have the kind of schedule he seems to follow."

Army? Is that what Dr. Walcott told him? I continued to press, "Stop beating around the bush and just say what you want to say."

"He's a married man, Lo-"

"Go screw yourself, Nick!" I couldn't help but to shout and despite the annoying 'SHHHHHHHHHH' my way I continued, "I don't know what it is you're looking for or why I'm suddenly such an interest to you but I _AM NOT INTERESTED_ in you. Just because I am _sick_ does not mean you can mistake me for _weak._ Your wasting your time on me, go find someone else who'll fall for your knight-in-shining-armor bull shit."

I was so sure he was going to walk away at that point, start crying maybe, but I didn't except him to become so ferious. He took in a breath that seemed to fill in his entire body and suddenly he bursted, "Are you insane?! I don't know what it is in that tiny brain of your's that has convinced you that _EVERYONE_ wants you but you need to cut that out because _**I**__ AM NOT INTERESTED IN __**YOU.**_ You're not my type! _I _felt sorry for you and the fact that your _whole _life is determined by whether _one _guy that parades around like some hero visits or not. Maybe you were bullied as a kid, maybe you were Ms. Popular, maybe you were home-schooled, but you need a crash course in determining the difference between when some is _trying _to be your friend and when someone is _actually __hitting on you."_

Not his type? I knew at that second he was full of it. It was part of the basic life lessons I had uncovered in my two years with Dean Winchester. If I was Dean's type, then obviously I was everyone's type. But still. His sudden bombardment of actual truth filled me with guilt I wasn't used to. Maybe I was wrong. But still...I couldn't let him know that. Not after what he said about Dean. I looked him the eyes and said with a cold stare, "Dean is a hero. Maybe you need a crash course in telling the difference between when someone wants a friend like you and when someone doesn't."

The sparkle in his eyes seemed to dim at that point, his mouth for some reason, was hung slightly opened as if he had taken great offense to the minor insult I had given him. He dropped his hands as he licked his lips and spoke, "You need to wake up, Lori. I hate to be the one to tell you this but he's using you and when he's done there's gonna be nothing left. That guy's gonna be the death of you."

"If this is going to continue I will have to escourt BOTH of you OUT of the library!" Gerty suddenly shouted, coming up between us without my knowing.

I felt the urge to "SHHHHH" her for all the "SHHHH"ing she had done but Nick took the time to give me one hard-look that sent a frightening cold chill down my spine as he said, "That won't be necessary. I'm leaving."

I had to hold myself back from saying one last thing. Ever since Dean had banished my silence it had become a nasty habit of mine to have the last say in an argument. Although I wanted to say something, say something awful, I knew he had to have the last word this time. He was right. He was just trying to be a friend and I did the wrong thing by sending him away. I needed friends, I needed as many friends as I could have to get be through the lonliness. Dean had Sam and Sam had him but where was I when they were gone saving the day? I was alone. Maybe I was too nervous around members of the opposite sex but Nick seemed to be a very sociable guy and maybe if I had explained that he would understand and introduce me to some female friends I could get along with. Nick was a nice guy after all, there was no denying that.

I sighed to myself as I looked to my laptop and moved the mouse before it blacked-out and logged me off of the library's internet access. I wasn't sure if Nick could hold a grudge but regardless, he was still my doctor and even if the Doc was feeling better I'd see Nick at the office from time to time. Eventually he would have to get over it and I would take time then to apologize for my bad behavior. But until then I had a mission to accomplish.

I pulled out my notebook and a pen as I found my way to the google website and from their began to search the local news. Unfortunately everything seemed pretty air-tight-just the normal murders, stealing, suicide, stuff like that-but I still felt like I was missing a lot of stuff. I knew that it took practice and advanced knowledege of supernatural..'things' but I still felt as if...maybe Dean knew I would never be able to find the places. I sighed angrily at myself and at Dean and his handsome face that was still fresh in my mind. No. I wouldn't let him win.

I began to search up 'missing cases' files and disapearances and like that the kind of pages start to fill up. I can't help but to smile excitedly as I write locations and quick little blurbs about the cases while also marking with stars which look better. I draw five little starts next to Burkittsville, Indiana and another set next to Hibbing, Minnesota because for some reason those seem like places Dean would head to. I couldn't help to feel a wave of satisfaction as I flipped through my pages and gave myself a quick fist pump, already this day was getting back onto its good track.

I closed the notebook with the intention of shutting everything down but something else got my attention. It was an add for some pots and pans or whatever but inside of it was a picture of food...food I had no idea how to make.

Maybe I should learn. Maybe that could be another way to get through the absence-learning how to cook for Dean's arrivals. I typed in Google and began to search up 'easy recipes,' feeling strangely excited even though I usually thought of cooking as a chore. I poised my pen and notebook together and eagerly began to write down recipes for cake, brownies, Ritz chicken, and stuff I had only imagined cooking. I couldn't help but to think of my next visit with Dean and how I would sit him down at the kitchen tabel with a nice apron and my utensils and force feed him every bite of the meals I would make.

Pain. It shot out like a lightning bolt hitting me in my forehead and then spreading out like tendrils through out my entire head until the pain had every square foot of brain on fire with agony. My hands flew out to my head and I tried to stop the pain anyway I could but suddenly I began to see pictures like flashes of me cooking and older and Dean waiting at a table I had never seen before and kids running around and wow we looked so old but just as soon as it came it left and I was stuck panting and gasping for air as the pain released me. I was thankful for the pain in my head to leave but my body didn't have the same kind of luck. I was doubled-over in seconds, holding onto my stomach as I felt spasms flow through me in which my body flexed and then relaxed and then did the same over. I dropped my head onto my the table and tried to breath in but that trick wasn't working right now and I was stick with what was happening. If only Nick were here.

But he wasn't and in my mind those images burned hot. I had never thought about having kids-_**ever.**_ I always thought I would be a horrible mother, especially when it came to disipline and comfort and cooking. But the images...they were so vivid and I certaintly didn't dream them up or anything. We looked so old and our smiles didn't look real anymore and we looked so sad. In that second I tried to forget the images completely but I couldn't, it was impossible. I never thought about the future with Dean. The only things I ever thought about were the past and the next visit and that was about it. But those kids. It was just a flash of blonde and brown hair and that was it. What the heck was that?

I shot up out of my seat and closed my laptop without shutting it off first. I tossed everything into my backpack and slung it around my shoulder as I grabbed my laptop and stormed out of there. I didn't even bother to execute the mean look I was secretly planning on giving Gerty on the way out. I was just in too much of a rush to get out of that place but outside the doors I regretted it. The bright light of the real sun formed a new kind of pain-wave that flowed out and to the sides of my head, making it impossible to decide what hurt worse.

Thankfully though the car was in sight and with a quick jog I was inside and resting my head against the steering wheel. It had been so long since I had an "actual" fit and I thought the medicine was really working. Sure, I was really glad I didn't start vomiting but crap! I never felt anything like that and now I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep, which immediately canceled all my plans that I had made. There goes a trip to the hardware store, back to the hiking store, the A & P, and where ever else the 'wind' was going to take me.

I tried not to sigh but it was inevitable as I sat up and turned on th- ARE YOU SHITTING ME!

Right before me, neatly tucked in behind the windshield wiper, sat a nice pretty orange envelope which held noneotherthan a TICKET! I clenched my jaw tight as to not scream but I couldn't help but to let out a loud grunt that was just as good as a scream-in the opinion of the birds that went crazy thanks to my voice. I jumped out of my car and snatched the ticket from the windshield, ripping up the envelope into pieces as I got the ticket into my hand.

TOO CLOSE TO THE FIREHYDRANT!

I crumbled up the the ticket and shoved it into my back pocket. Dean was going to love this. I get back into the car and pull on my seatbelt before getting out of the parking space. Looks like I'm going to have to go to the DMV.


End file.
